Seattle’s Pussies Prepare to Bitch about the Blue Fucking Angels


The Sound of Freedom

Local dickheads put beer on ice and get ready to rock out with their cocks out

The high performance jets of the US Navy Blue Angels give Seattle’s pussies much to complain about. “Well they’re loud,” said Wallingford pussy Ron Matthews, “and I don’t think we should have a symbol of American imperialism at the center of a summer celebration.” Matthews, a soft-dick pastry chef, succinctly described in one sentence what more long-winded pussies drone on about for God knows how many fucking hours.

Mr. Wigglesworth's birthday in 2010, ruined by the Blue Angels

Seattle is known for a population capable of complaining at length on any subject. Seattle-ites can complain about – for example – salting the roads during snow storms, or not salting those same roads with equal emotional investment. But for the city’s wusses, pussies, dorkburgers and fuckwits,  Seafair season is like Christmas, the World Series, and their cat’s birthday rolled into one.

Alan Hatsche, a total pussy who lives in Fremont, was concerned about the well-being of his motherfucking pets. “The jets traumatize my cats. My pets are very sensitive to noise and overt displays of militarism. I don’t see why these noble creatures’ discomfort is worth the cheap amusement derived by some dick waving bonehead.”

William Boyd, a self-described dick waving bonehead from Mount Baker eagerly anticipates the arrival of the Angels. “Fuck yes! I love watching those blue bastards screaming around… crankin’ and bankin’, zoomin’ and shroomin’. Maybe not shroomin’. Are you a cop?” When asked how he felt about Seattle residents who dread the noise and traffic delays, Boyd commented, “Come on, even pussies gotta admit this is the Navy’s year. Was it pussy SEALs that iced Bin Laden? No. Navy SEALs. Case closed.” Boyd added, “Beer me.”

I choke up when I hear the Blue Angels...beer me.

Lydia Parr, a closeted female dickhead from Capitol Hill felt compelled to hide her love of the Blue Angels, “Of course I vote Democrat, but I also love things that are fast, loud and fuck shit up. In this part of town, it’s really best to keep that information private.” Ms. Parr acknowledged the complicated nature of the Blue Angels’ visit. “Nobody likes having I-90 shut down, and the jets certainly are loud. But I can’t help but think those sensitive types would feel a lot better if they knocked the sand out of their vaginas and grew a pair.”

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Posted by on 6:08am, Wed, Aug 3 2011. Filed under Breaking News, Culture, Featured Stories, Local. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

22 Comments for “Seattle’s Pussies Prepare to Bitch about the Blue Fucking Angels”

  1. Jerry Sadams

    This is TOTALLY my neighbor. He fucking whines every goddam year. I am putting a “Blue Angels….FUCK YEAH!” sign in my yard right now!

  2. The gratuitous (or indispensable) Corey Worthington picture fucking makes this.

    • Salmon Graphics Dept

      We are a little shocked that last photo is somebody of note. We just looked for the most wastoid image possible to represent the Blue Angel fans, “to the South of the Lake,” and came up with this. Go figure.

      • Jack

        Fuck you, you lazy, drunk, redneck hippie jackasses. I WORK for a living. a) these flying pieces of shit are a waste of my hard fucking WORKED FOR money and b) I work nights and double shifts and these wastes of oxygen wake me up during the few hours that I get to sleep between shifts.

  3. Rickvid

    So many XY chromosome bags, so few actual men in Seattle. Wussies and hippies – hate ‘em!

    • BG420

      Tea Party and Republicans want to cut the funding for the Blue Angels …. you have Obama to thank for keeping them around

    • Lazlo Toth

      Rereading the article, do you get the faint impression you might also be one of the people being made fun of here, redneck dickhead? O:)

      • Love your books, Mr. Toth.

        Congradulations on finding our little website.

        To answer your question, I consider myself more of a pencil-neck dickhead. And I’m frankly alarmed anyone thought we were out to ridicule any of Seattle’s pussies or dick-waving boneheads. I considered this is just a standard bit of reportage.

        Mason

  4. Lazlo Toth

    It’s funny, because everybody who cares, sucks! Thanks for breaking those Seattle hipster stereotypes!

  5. Jib kollege

    Whatever I just read was ffing awesome. Love it!

  6. Dirty Wizard

    Seattle is a town where social status is measured by just how many things you are offended by; the more you find offensive (on behalf of EVERY race or culture but your own: white) the higher you are on the food-chain.
    “Everyone who cares”? As if this town is experiencing some sort of shortage of people who “care” (read: bitch and whine incessantly) – seen the back of ANY Subaru lately?

  7. Rewfus Dickington

    The blue angels make my heart hurt…….cause the don’t do map of the earth high speed passes over my fucking house! The blue angels are the shit and I’m pretty sure noone cares about some homo cats birthday! I say they should be here more often and should continuously fly over Ballard, fremont, and Capitol hill!

  8. Kristi

    This article is so accurate it’s frightening. I wasn’t born here, so it’s been a bit difficult to adjust. Now when I go home, I find I’m so easily offended that I’ve practically forsworn even visiting the east coast again. Thanks, Seattle… now I’m a pussy, too.

  9. Derrick

    This was so refreshing and so true.

  10. jimmah

    7 years ago my boy had just learned to walk, and when one of those bad boys cranked a high-g turn over our house, close enough to read the numbers, he learned to run. He didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. For about a year and a half he would advise us that “Airplanes scratch you” , as aggressive cats were about the only threat profile he had a reference for.

    I think he got over it.

  11. Kelly Berger

    My cats and I pour a glass of scotch and enjoy the view of the plebs running in the streets shaking their fists in the air during the Blue’s show. My cats take dumps in the shape of John Wayne, that’s how manly we are. Me and my cats urinate in the general direction of the whining douche-bags.

  12. Alex

    Good writing! I used to work in an office building in Seattle, and when the Blue Angels thundered by our windows, it was awesome. Seriously, pussies should shut the fuck up, in the face of such utter coolness.

  13. M

    Total pussy Alan may live in Fremont, but neither William nor Lydia could be from Mount Baker or Capitol Hill. They live in these places, but they came here from somewhere else. If you’re from Seattle, Seafair is the height of summer and the Blue Angels’ thunder is the height of Seafair. If you’re from Seattle you go out of your way to see them; you’re at a party thrown to view them; and if you can’t do that, you’re in front of a tv set watching that shit, because that’s the shit and it’s tradition for you and anyone who says otherwise can kiss your ass.

    I don’t know anyone who doesn’t love the Blue Angels. Where did all the pussies and dickheads come from? Not here.

  14. the real king seafair

    Crankin..”Danger zone”

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