Buckets of blood, no foul.

Central Washington State — A 6’3″ 280 lbs high school basketball player was caught on video, repeatedly dishing out hard, flagrant fouls during a game in rural, central Washington.

When the game’s referee was asked why he didn’t eject the violent player from the game, he said that he would be more than happy to provide a rules clarification, just as soon as the one referee that can read gets back from harvesting his fields.

Another obviously incompetent referee simply said:

“Fragrant fouls? Hah! I couldn’t smell anything.”

While the actions of the leviathan-sized student have been universally condemned as being too rough, the pressure on students in small towns to win games can be incredibly high. “Basketball is our Friday Night Lights. Winning or losing a game, can mean the difference between a player shoveling horseshit for the rest of the season or being allowed to breed with their cousins,” said the boy’s neighbor.

MMA-NBA
In response the hard fouls, other teams are teaching their players Ultimate Fighting, self-defense techniques. Students can turn an overgrown hillbilly’s bull rush into a moving screen to use on a pick-an- roll.

Basketball player, Damon Cursey was excited about incorporating mixed-martial arts into his game, saying, “You’ve heard of the triangle offense? Well, our team’s includes the triangle submission hold. TAP OUT SUCKA!”

Wazzu recruitment interest strong

WSU Preseason Workout

Washington State University has expressed interest in recruiting the 6’3″ 280 lbs center, stating that although they don’t think he’d see much playing time, he would be a perfect fit for keg stands and livestock wrastlin’ in the locker room.

Seattle, WA (Magnolia Neighborhood) — While home prices in the Pacific Northwest are falling faster than the Mariners’ season ticket sales, former M’s pitcher, Jamie Moyer is frantically trying to sell his Magnolia mansion in this slumping real estate market.

After months of watching buyers walk on him, Moyer has decided to throw prospective homeowners a changed up by dropping his listing price by over a million dollars.

“If they don’t bite at this sales pitch, the only thing left to do is file down the side of the house and spit on it,” commented Moyer.

Moyer’s real estate agent, Harvey Pittner is confident he’ll get the deal done, saying, “We realize that the Jacuzzi smells like Ben Gay and that all the windows have had a baseball thrown through them, but anybody that has read the scouting report on this place will realize it’s a total steal. In fact, it’s double steal. Mr. Moyer has promised that he won’t balk at any reasonable offers.”

File photo of Mariner Moose before he went on his last bender

Mr. Pittner implored us to mention that the Mariner Moose–currently living on the grounds–will be evicted this winter while he’s hibernating.

Post-open house interview

We caught up with Jamie Moyer after a recent open house and asked him what he will do if he can’t sell his place. He calmly intoned, “I’m just going to take it one day at a time. I’m not going to look passed any potential buyer. I just need to bring my good stuff to the negotiating table … Wait, we’re still talking about the sale of my home, right?”

Moyer also mentioned that if anybody bought his home in the next 90 days they would receive his old rotator cuff as a souvenir.

New NBA Contract Fine Print

Though by most measures, it appears the NBA owners got the concessions they wanted from the players, the Seattle Salmon has found some player wins in the finer print of the new agreement.   Additionally, we found a few extras the owners added as well that get to why they bought something as silly as a sports franchise in the first place.

PLAYERS

Medication

Players who self diagnose themselves to be sleepy following away games are able to request blue level purity Bolivian cocaine for post game socializing.  The dosage will be enough for the player and up to three female companions.  The original language was four companions but the league feared players might die of exhaustion.

Jerry West under lock and key.

Game Seats

All players will receive three seats for home games.  One is slotted for their wife, one for their girlfriend, and one for a second girlfriend or boyfriend.  Seats must be more than 100 feet apart.  Mother’s of players’ children not currently involved romantically with said player will be given Comcast’s “NBA League Pass” package.

Fire/Strike Coach(es) at Will

Players can request a coach or the entire coaching staff be fired once per season.  They may also strike a coach who disrespects them during practice, but not games.    This clause has been rumored to force the Raptor’s assistant coach “P. J.” Carlesimo to consider retirement.

Salary Options

Players can now request being paid in gold bullion (At current Zurich price listing at time of payment) or in handguns.

Have a columnist/blogger “removed”

Incessantly criticizing columnists who feel at liberty to call out players regularly in their columns/blogs should be on watch.  The new contract allows a player request their team’s management to “remove” said writer by “any means necessary.”  The Seattle Times Steve Kelley might finally see a silver lining to the Sonics departure.

Trade Requests

All players, including rookies, can request a trade to a larger television market and/or warmer climates twice in their careers.  In negotiating sessions, this was nicknamed the “LeBron Clause.”

OWNERS

Facebook

Players MUST accept the team owners’ friend request within 24 hours of it being sent.

We're on THE end 107.7 fm @ 8:30am ever Thursday and Friday.

High Fives

At least twice a game, if an owner in courtside seats stands up and extends there arm above 45 degrees, the player who most recently scored from their team must come to slap, or “high five,” it within 15 seconds.  If the owner is in a suite or skybox, the player must point to said owner for at least five seconds and scream, “you da man,” while running back on defense.

Pick Up Games

Once a year, a team’s players must lose in a pickup against a team of the owners choosing.  This may be the owner and their friends or even the owner’s child’s high school team.   Games can be recorded and posted to youtube.com

Kasey Keller is finally going give the kids a turn to play ball.

Not even a pimped out chrome walker could keep the aging goalee from retiring

Century Link Field– Last Saturday, 64,000 screaming Sounders fans attended the retirement party at CenturyLink Field for Seattle’s 40-something goalkeeper, Kasey Keller.

Old man bait.

Sounders General Manager, Adrian Hanauer said he’d tried everything, short of Werther’s Original Candies, to get Keller to stay with the team for another season. Hanauer lamented, “We offered Kasey the moon–money, hair plugs, season tickets for his grand kids–we even offered to move Kasey to a really nice assisted-living community out in Issaquah. It’s a gorgeous place called Keeper’s Palms and they’ve got the cleanest sheets in the Northwest.”

the Seattle Salmon is on The END every Wednesday, Thursday & Friday @ 8:30 am

Keller stated that he was retiring for personal reasons, saying, “Games on Sunday interfere with my standing bridge game. And the7 PM evening matches start just as I’m settling into my recliner for some Wheel of Fortune.”

Keller also indicated that he wanted more free time to mail newspaper clippings to his family members.

Possibly Replacements for #18

The Sounders are being crystal clear about the qualities they are looking for in the next person to fill Kasey’s cleats:

“We’re going older and balder. If we could find a hairless elderly man–possibly with someone alopecia–to put in goal, that would be our ideal situation,” states Hanauer.

A list of possible replacements for Kasey Keller has been leaked to the press:

• Steve Ballmer (Microsoft most adorable CEO).
• Dennis “Sipowicz” Franz (Unfortunately, he doesn’t play by the rules).
• Mr. Clean (The clubhouse would really sparkle).
• Patrick Stewart (Will play, but only if he can be the team captain).
• John Keister (Has been training with Billy Quan).

Yes, it has come to this.

“I am out of good ideas,” said Coach Carroll

Generic Telecom Stadium -This morning, the Seahawks held the NFL’s first “American Idol,” style competition to find a decent not horrible offensive line. Despite Sunday’s win, fans saw another showing by an offensive line that rivaled the protective nature of soft tofu.

During the post-game press conference, a frustrated Coach Carroll said, “We’ll take a good long look at any boy over 300 pounds. I’ve got a message for you nightclub bouncers and unemployable juice heads out there: If you think you got what it takes, brush the Doritos off your sweatpants and get your big ass down here. This is American Idol, Seahawks style.”

No Surprise

Only three games into the season, the QB has been sacked 14 times. Jackson’s agent David Howard said, “these games are like QB dog years, a single game hurts him like he’s played four.”

Running back Marshawn Lynch has taken out a premium life insurance policy after the pounding he’s received this season.

Really, just one block? Please? Photo: Paul Sakuma / AP

Word of the open call quickly spread on sports talk radio, blogs, and amongst the bouncers in Belltown clubs.  Whole career sectors were practically wiped out with fake sick calls from hopeful linemen:  Meatpackers, longshoremen, and gym teachers of both gender.

The Judicial Dream Team

The three judges of the competition were also announced:

Former Seahawk Defensive Lineman Jacob Green- A player who knows how to deliver a devastating sack;

Former Seahawk QB Dave Krieg –A player with plenty of experience on the receiving end of a devastating NFL sack;

Paula Abdul- A person who sounds like she’s been drinking from a paper sack.

The first test of the aspiring offensive linemen was to stop a GMC Yukon hurdling towards them at 50 MPH with their bare hands.  Though it sounds daunting, the SUV-based test delivers only half the impact energy of an average, steroid-enhanced NFL defensive line.

Paula Finds Her Voice

"Where do I judge the offensive man lines?"

As the day wore on, judges commented and critiqued. Unlike the real “American Idol,” Paula Abdul loved sending folks off the stage for good. To one losing contestant she said, “I wanna just squish you, squeeze your head off, and dangle you from my rear-view mirror” *  She then passed out.

After a day of grueling competition, the Seahawks had five promising prospects to join the team.  Coach Carroll thanked the judges and said, “With this fresh talent, I firmly believe we can be the 4-12 team I always dreamed we could.”

*Actual quote!

Michael Vick benefits from prison lessons. (Orig. photo by Ed Yourdon)

The rough-and-tumble wisdom of life behind bars translates into success on the gridiron.

With the ink dry on his $100 million dollar contract and the Eagles off to a winning start to their season, Michael Vick reveals the secret to his recent good fortune–prison.

“I learned more in 23 months at Leavenworth than I did in 16 months at Virginia Tech.”

This hard knocks education can be witnessed in the shrewdly crafted details of his new six-year contract. Vick stated, “I insisted on a clause in the contract that guarantees me a carton of Pall Mall cigarettes every week. I distribute them to my offensive line after every game. Once they’re hooked on nicotine, I’m guaranteed good protection in the pocket.”

Training Camp

While Michael Vick has always possessed a strong work-ethic in his approach to training, his leadership skills have always left something to be desired–like a really good attorney. However, this year Vick’s status as the leader of the Eagles’ offense is unquestionable.

Vick's new instrument of leadership.

Vick explained his new leadership philosophy, saying “The very first thing I do at a new training camp is to find some up-and-coming youngin’–trying way too hard to impress Coach Reid–and I shiv his ass in the shower in front of the whole team.” Vick went on to explain that this open display of hostility and dominance immediately solidified his leadership role, adding, “It really just seems to make the offense click.”

On the Field

Throughout his career, Michael Vick has always contended with the accusations that he was a rushing quarterback and that he didn’t have the poise to be a traditional passing threat. Since returning from prison, Vick has displayed a newfound calm–bordering on resignation–while being pressured in the pocket from the side and rear by humongous defensive lineman.

Vick explained his new technique for handling defensive pressure, “Don’t look the defense in the eye. Take deep breaths. Stay loose and relaxed. When the hit comes, don’t squeal or else next time they’ll hit you even harder.”

Off the Field

Eagles' Head Coach, Andy Reid. (Orig. by Kevin Burkett)

While changes on the field since his incarceration have been a dramatic improvement, changes in Michael Vick’s off-the-field personal life have friends and family concerned.

Eagles’ Head Coach, Andy Reid indicated that his star quarterback has become withdrawn. Every night after practice Vick goes home, locks himself in his bedroom, and won’t come out until one of the Eagles’ coaching staff hits him with a baton and orders him to go to practice.
Coach Reid also confided that he had stumbled across an extremely potent batch of Pruno in the toilet at Vick’s house, adding, “It actually tasted pretty good.”

Susan G. Kommen Football

Ladies join the testosterone infused pseudo-sport of fairy tale football

When Suze Weinerstrom, 26, took a job at a local software company with a workforce comprised of mainly out of shape men in their 40’s, she knew she’d have to take drastic measures to win their respect. She found them cliquish, as men can be, and largely unreceptive when she complimented their cargo pants and personalized sports jersey’s. When she overheard a development engineer complaining about how a teammate had abandoned the office fantasy football league in favor of marriage councelling, she seized her opportunity. Suze put some heat on the league commish, and soon found herself owner of a fantasy football team she proudly named BOOBS SHAKA LAKKA.

Breaking the Buffalo Wing Ceiling

Breaking the Hot Wing Ceiling

Her shrewd drafting technique and aggressive trades soon made her a legend among office sports nerds. Suze was hooked, refining her technique and humiliating the men in her life with her seemingly instinctual understanding of football. Her career took off in tandem to her growing reputation as a grid iron grand dame. After taking home top league honors three years running, she began to mentor other women in the office in Fantasy Football Fierceness.

Ladies Love Cool Games

Suze teaches that the trick isn’t statistics or even game day focus. Rather it’s an unconventional way of selecting players on her team.  She cautions other women about relying on traditional male venues, like ESPN or Yahoo!Sports for game day decisions.  “Use your vagina like a divining rod,” she says. “Let it discharge advice.  Believe me, it’s more reliable than Dan Patrick. You have to harness your intuition, and the stars, guide your draft picks.”

NFL issued tarot cards

Suze selects players based on unique criteria. Paramount is the players’ emotional availability. She peers closely at his photo to understand what his expression is conveying. Is it real machismo or just a pantomime of aggression? Suze has had the best luck with the blind rage of a rejected lover. She looks for a tautness about the mouth and a neck ridged with tendons. Here is a man with something to prove. However, in a quarterback, she seeks something quite opposite. Does he project confidence beyond what his physical looks would normally support, like an Elway or a Manning? The team leader needs a capacity to , to accept. To give. The QB’s girlfirend will also provide some insight to his values and abilities. If she can’t sit down right ’cause her jeans are too tight…it’s likely their relationship is only denim deep, which is not the emotional space you want the heart of your team to be occupying.

Suze also believes the stars can help determine the best starters.  She has spent many a late night charting the astrological signs of her team. A running back born when the moon was in Cancer is obviously ill equipped to deal with a 5-2 defensive alignment, that’s just common sense.  If Mars is in retrograde, she’s certainly not fool enough to put a Taurus into a pressure filled position like kicker. She also has a hard and fast rule about trades during her lunar cycle. If her cervix is shedding it’s lining, she knows it’s not a good time to be shedding an under-producing wide receiver.

The Suze style is measured, calculated, and emotive. She has gathered legions of female fans who daily interpret the body language of million dollar players to understand which among them have the heart and the support of the universe to deliver fantasy football points each week.

You can see Suze Weinerstrom at ShoWare Center in Kent on September 7, 2011.

Chinese basketball players trying to give a curby to a Georgetwon Hoya.

Beijing–Chinese state officials were quick to apologize for the brawl that took place yesterday between the Georgetown Hoyas and the Chinese military team, the Bayi Military Rockets.

Minister of Happiness, Shā Gweilos

Chinese minister of happiness, Shā Gweilos stated, “We are SO sorry for this ugly incident. Our bad. It was the unintentional result of an unfortunate programming error in our team’s educational conditioning. The Bayi Military Rocket’s head coach forgot to reprogram the team’s kill directives after their last tournament out west; our boys were still set to Weeger mode. Quite frankly, the situation could have been a lot worse.”

When asked why the ordinary citizens in the crowd attacked the Georgetown players too, Chinese officials explained it was most assuredly the evil influence of the Western culture and that half of the crowd had already been detained and were scheduled for re-education. An anonymous source informed us the other half of the crowd were secret police.

“I thought he said he worked for Google. After that, everything just went red.” –Chinese basketball soldier

Chinese Player Explains What Happened
Zu Ao Rui–a 6′ 4″ demolitions expert from Shanghai with NBA-3-point range–was the player who gave the initial hard foul that led to the ensuing mayhem. He recounted, “I thought he said he worked for Google. After that, everything just went red.”

Georgetown’s Perspective
When we caught up with the Hoyas they were holding a team meeting back at their hotel. The players and team staff were huddled around a laptop discecting and analyzing Youtube videos of the incident. Georgetown Head Coach, John Thompson III told his players, “We’re going to see a lot worse than this in the Big East this year. We’ve got to play Pitt, UCONN and Lousiville all early in this year’s Big East schedule. We really needed this to toughen us up.”

Seattle, WA–The Seattle Sounders failed to sign any new players before this summer’s player transfer deadline. The surprising cause of inaction? Money, giant sacks of money–from record breaking ticket sales–blocking the halls and doorways of the Sounders FC offices at the Starfire Sports Complex.

“This is really embarrassing,” said Sounders General Manager, Adrian Hanauer. “Our office looks like the scene from Scarface before the Cosa Nostra moved in for the kill.”

Negotiations Stalled, Then Failed

Although Seattle “definitely” had plans to upgrade its team by signing multiple international soccer superstars during this transfer period, the money literally kept getting in the way of completing transactions. Members of the Sounders front office staff were unable to move from room to room, blocked at every turn by “rucksacks filled with scratch”, making meeting to discuss player negotiations and acquisition strategies nearly impossible. The team was even cited for multiple fire code violations.

SFD Fire Chief, Greg Dean said, “The Sounders offices looked like one of those old New York Irish tenement buildings just waiting to catch fire; except that instead of being filled with trash and refuse, their office was packed full of bags and bags of cash.”

An injured Adrian Hanauer

Hanauer Personally Injured

“We were moments away from signing Prince Tagoe,” said Hanauer, speaking about the Ghana international striker currently playing for TSG Hoffenheim in the German Bundesliga, “when the stack of C-notes that I use for a step stool slipped out from under me.” The Sounders GM went on to explain that he was then knocked unconscious after he fell and hit his head on the pyramid of gold bars stacked on his desk. This innocent accident caused the unfortunate delay that prevented the Sounders from acquiring the African super striker.

Taking Steps to Prevent Future Cash Overflow

The cash cleaner 2000 from Casino Pro

“We are taking immediate and radical actions to fix this problem so it never happens again.”  Hanauer mentioned  the Sounders organization would be making an immediate investment in cutting-edge casino count-room technology.

When asked about chances that yet another mediocre playoff performance by the Sounders would naturally mitigate their “tornado of cash”, a stone-faced Hanauer cocked his head and uttered, “Let it ride.”

Editor’s note: The Seattle Salmon are crazy Sounders fans and actually think Adrian has done a fantastic job putting together a great franchise. This article is just a place for us to store our personal frustration at not successfully signing a Ronaldo-type player during this transfer period. Also, we think the General Manager should be definitely be voted out of office if he starts listening to the expert scouting advice of fans. Come on you Sounders!

A Hasselbeck is in view for the Seahawks

Renton- At a press conference today at the team’s practice facility, Seahawks General Manager John Schneider announced that a week after cutting Matt Hasselbeck, the team’s quarterback since 2001, they have signed his sister-in-law  Elisabeth Hasselbeck.  Elisabeth is currently a host on ABC “The View” and serves the shows resident Republican puppet.  “We feel strongly that Elisabeth will be our starting quarterback and get injured a whole lot less than Matt,” said Schneider.

Has faced an opposing team, her costars, for years on, "The View"

Coach Carroll then added, “Look, we realize this is somewhat unconventional, but Elisabeth caught our eye during visits to see Matt during a few training camps.  She used to run plays for fun and we saw that not only are her legs are as strong as her mouth but her white-hot inner rage allows her to throw a spiral tighter than a choir boy’s ass.  Frankly, she lobbied for this job even while Matt was here, we just needed to find the right time to make the switch.”

Won't have to learn a new name to scream after interceptions

She also added, “God bless Matt’s talents, he will do great with the 6-10 Titans.  He has really shown how a fragile, aging body with slightly above average talent can make it in the NFL.  It truly is one of God’s great miracles after parting the Red Sea.  Plus, when the Titans cut him, I am praying he can eke out a few more seasons with arena football so I don’t have to support him with my fat NFL paychecks.”

Coach Carroll closed the press conference with,  “If nothing else, we save a ton on not having to print new jerseys.”