Basket-brawl Fallout: High Schools Embrace Ultimate Fighting
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Category archives for:
Sports
Jamie Moyer makes an off-speed sales pitch for his Magnolia mansion
Seattle, WA (Magnolia Neighborhood) — While home prices in the Pacific Northwest are falling faster than the Mariners’ season ticket sales, former M’s pitcher, Jamie Moyer is frantically trying to sell his Magnolia mansion in this slumping real estate market. After months of watching buyers walk on him, Moyer has decided to throw prospective homeowners a [...]
Explosive, Secret Terms of the New NBA Contract!
Though by most measures, it appears the NBA owners got the concessions they wanted from the players, the Seattle Salmon has found some player wins in the finer print of the new agreement. Additionally, we found a few extras the owners added as well that get to why they bought something as silly as a [...]
Goalkeeping in his Golden Years, Kasey Keller Retires
Not even a pimped out chrome walker could keep the aging goalee from retiring Century Link Field– Last Saturday, 64,000 screaming Sounders fans attended the retirement party at CenturyLink Field for Seattle’s 40-something goalkeeper, Kasey Keller. Sounders General Manager, Adrian Hanauer said he’d tried everything, short of Werther’s Original Candies, to get Keller to stay with [...]
Desperate Seahawks Hold American Idol Tryouts to Find an Offensive Line
“I am out of good ideas,” said Coach Carroll Generic Telecom Stadium -This morning, the Seahawks held the NFL’s first “American Idol,” style competition to find a decent not horrible offensive line. Despite Sunday’s win, fans saw another showing by an offensive line that rivaled the protective nature of soft tofu. During the post-game press [...]
How Prison Improved Michael Vick’s Football Game
The rough-and-tumble wisdom of life behind bars translates into success on the gridiron. With the ink dry on his $100 million dollar contract and the Eagles off to a winning start to their season, Michael Vick reveals the secret to his recent good fortune–prison. “I learned more in 23 months at Leavenworth than I did [...]
Stars Determine Starters in Ladies Fantasy Football League
Ladies join the testosterone infused pseudo-sport of fairy tale football When Suze Weinerstrom, 26, took a job at a local software company with a workforce comprised of mainly out of shape men in their 40’s, she knew she’d have to take drastic measures to win their respect. She found them cliquish, as men can be, [...]
CHINESE GOV’T: Brawl & Attack on USA Basketball Team was “An Unfortunate Programming Error”
Beijing–Chinese state officials were quick to apologize for the brawl that took place yesterday between the Georgetown Hoyas and the Chinese military team, the Bayi Military Rockets. Chinese minister of happiness, Shā Gweilos stated, “We are SO sorry for this ugly incident. Our bad. It was the unintentional result of an unfortunate programming error in [...]
Money Blocks Sounders From Signing An Impact Player, Giant Sacks Of Money
Seattle, WA–The Seattle Sounders failed to sign any new players before this summer’s player transfer deadline. The surprising cause of inaction? Money, giant sacks of money–from record breaking ticket sales–blocking the halls and doorways of the Sounders FC offices at the Starfire Sports Complex. “This is really embarrassing,” said Sounders General Manager, Adrian Hanauer. “Our [...]
Seahawks Draft a Hasselbeck at QB…Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Cutting her brother-in-law allowed for a new Hasselbeck to lead the Seahawks Renton- At a press conference today at the team’s practice facility, Seahawks General Manager John Schneider announced that a week after cutting Matt Hasselbeck, the team’s quarterback since 2001, they have signed his sister-in-law Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Elisabeth is currently a host on ABC [...]