The littlest 99% protester

(Oklahoma City) A group of O.K. City sketch comedians know what they want Santa to leave in their stocking this year: a million hits on YouTube!

Keith Walton, of local sketch group The Mooners believes that their holiday-themed video short, “Occupy Christmas,” could be the sketch that takes their comedy careers to a whole new level.

“All it takes is the right jokes at the right time and, Bam! you’re on Saturday Night Live,” says Walton. “That’s how it happened for the Lonely Island guys. And this video could do the same for us.”

“The premise of the video,” Walton explains, “is that Santa’s elves are staging an ‘Occupy’-style protest outside of the workshop. See, they’re upset about the income inequality between them and Santa.”

“It works on two levels,” continues Walton. “It’s topical, because everyone’s been talking about this ‘Occupy’ thing for months now and it’s seasonal. ‘Dick in a Box’ was seasonal, too.”

Walton’s fellow Mooner, Andre Hughes, sheds some light on the creative process that led to the group’s breakthrough: “Some of our best ideas come to us when we’re having some beers after a show. So last month, we were at Gary [Nuth, another member of the group]’s house and Keith was all, ‘We should have something political for the Christmas show.’ And I was like, ‘What about those “Occupy” guys?’ and Keith was like, ‘Elves! What if the elves were occupying Santa’s workshop?’ It’s kind of scary how our brains work together sometimes.”

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The idea didn’t truly gel, Walton says, until friend of the group Paula Torres hit upon the slogan, “We Are the 99 Centimeters.” “See, that’s about how tall some of these elves are,” Hughes explains.

Once the idea had been fully fleshed out, things moved quicker. “We shot it in, like, three days,” says Walton. “Gary’s brother got an iPad2 and he let us use it and it made shooting this a breeze. I would totally endorse that product.”

The group is pulling out all stops to publicize their comedic gem. “I’ve got about 315 friends on Facebook,” says Walton, “and I’ve asked every one of them to share this. It’s just a matter of getting it rolling and it will snowball. This is going to be huge. I can feel it.”

Oklahoma City residents can see the video and other holiday-themed comedy in the group’s show, The Mooners in Have Yourself a Cheeky Little Christmas, which premieres this week at The Laff Barn.

This article was submitted without the knowledge that the Seattle Salmon recorded an “Occupy North Pole” bit for THE end 107.7 fm just last week. You can listen below:

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About the author: Joe Wack

Joe Wack

Joe Wack is a writer and sketch comedian who lives in New York City. He is a veteran of the Seattle sketch comedy scene and hopes to use his reign as Miss Washington to spread the message about hunger throughout our state..

Just one example of a Seattleite's taste in bikes.

By Chris Blado

Cycling enthusiasts, take note:  Seattle has once again been voted the best city for riding bizarrely-shaped bicycles that make you look like a goddamn horse’s ass.  2011 is the third year in a row Seattle has won the competition, cementing its place as a paradise for those who want to look like giant douchebags while commuting to work.  According to Bicycling Magazine, who administered the reader poll, Seattle’s victory was hard won.

“While perennial contenders like Portland and Minneapolis are definitely great places to awkwardly mount a pedal-powered contraption that looks like Medieval torture rack, Seattle’s charm lies in its insistence that everyone, from deliverymen to corporate executives, should be encouraged to embarrass themselves on a gimmicky, ball-smashing transportation device,” said Bicycling Magazine editor Ryan Stafford.  “One thing you’ll never hear from a Seattleite is, ‘No thanks, I wouldn’t look dignified riding that.’”

This is more than a fad

Bicycling Magazine also noted Seattle’s long history of pioneering asinine, unnecessary variations of cycling, including bikes where you stand on a small platform and pedal with your hands, bikes that require you to steer with your head, and bikes where you sit backwards on the handlebars and look into a mirror to see where you’re going.  While each of these styles has its advantage, most cycling experts emphasize that it’s important to try out each ill-conceived fad before settling on the one that suits you.

An Amazon marketing exec

“The worst thing you can do as a cyclist is get on your Trek and bike and ride to work every day and not even consider that maybe your pedaling could be 0.5% more efficient by painfully contorting yourself on a $7,000 gadget made by some dipshit in Denmark,” said veteran Seattle cyclist Eric LeBeau, who attributed Seattle’s reputation, in part, to municipal leadership.  “Take Mayor McGinn for example.  Even his bike has that weird little motor on it.”

For once, Seattle beats Portland

While Bicycling Magazine readers preferred Seattle’s entrenched culture of trendy bullshit when it comes to biking, they also gave high marks to runner-up Portland, whose specialty store BiSuckle caters to cyclists who nurse infants while they ride.

About the author: Chris Blado

Chris Blado

Chris Blado moved to Seattle in 2010. Always looking to have some good clean fun, Blado’s hobbies include stamp collecting, coin collecting, coin stamping, and being in bed by 9PM..

Toyota Prius owners will be forced to express their liberal views someplace other than on their car bumper–most likely at Starbucks.

A Department of Transportation official says Toyota will recall all 2003-2012 Prius hybrids to address dangerous roll-over accidents caused by bumper sticker weight distribution issues.

“Bumper sticker modification to the Prius is a very real problem. Smug Americans from San Francisco to Seattle are essentially driving ticking time bombs,” said the transportation official.

The fuel efficient and deadly Toyota Prius

“Cars weren’t meant to handle that many holier-than-thou, preachy, clever platitudes,” said Kyle Mitchell, an automotive engineer. “It starts with a No War For Oil, then you add a Bush Lied, People Died and a Jesus Didn’t Ride An Elephant. It starts as fun and snowballs into five hundred pounds of vinyl-coated vehicular manslaughter.”

“Every election, people start piling on the witty catchphrases. Once the 2012 primaries begin, you’re going to see more and more unnecessary bloodshed on our roads,” said Doug Krause, a California Highway Patrol officer. “The Highway Patrol is expecting a huge number of anti-Rick Perry bumper stickers and we’re responding by ordering extra body bags.”

Guns don’t kill people. Ten thousand sanctimonious bumper stickers do.

Toyota dealers are encouraging Prius drivers to bring their cars in for the potentially life-saving fix.

“We’re bolstering the Prius suspension with parts sourced from the Hummer H3 factory in Shreveport, Louisiana,” said Greg Rogers, service manager from Toyota of Portland. “After the fix, Prius owners can expect to see a huge dip in fuel economy, but they’ll be able to double the amount of self-righteous propaganda they display. I’m guessing most will get the modification done. It’s the self-important thing to do.”

About the Author: Omar Curiel

Omar Curiel

Omar moved to Seattle this year after living in Texas for all of his miserable life. He is a board certified advertising copywriter who has written many commercials you have fast-forwarded through and many print ads that you have completely ignored. He lives in a house with his wife, son, dog, and an unshakable fear of volcano-zombies. In his spare time he enjoys tacos, tequila and ethnic stereotypes.

Like our company, the chickens are just one big family

DES MOINES–In the past twelve months since ConAgra foods began operating a quaint factory farm in rural Adel County, the corporation has found inclusion in the local community.  Despite initial misgivings, fellow family farms have welcomed the quaint 800 acre operation with open arms.

But success has not come easy for the plucky young multinational corporation.  ConAgra met with early set-backs in its efforts to ingratiate itself to the tight-knit community.  Last October, the waste from its hog rendering facility contaminated the community’s water, causing an outbreak of hoof and mouth disease amongst six year olds and younger in the community wading pool.

Lucky Kid, he only got the mouth part of the disease...

“Nobody was more upset about that than us,” reported CEO Bill Thatcher.  “Corporations are people too, you know.  I mean, not the kind with weak bodies that can get hoof and mouth disease, but people all the same.”

When at First You Don’t Succeed…

But ConAgra was not so easily deterred.  The corporation rebounded by hosting a genetically modified corn maze at Halloween.  And residents love the American flag painted on the side of the constantly screaming de-beaking barn.  It is not uncommon for a passing motorist to stop and salute the building in which chicken beaks are senselessly ripped off with automated pliers.

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“When I heard we had a big city corporation moving in, I wasn’t too thrilled,” admitted neighbor Terry Moss, whose radish farm has been family owned and operated for three generations.  “But they earned their stripes out here.  ConAgra’s local in my book.”

Agricultural experts credit the success of the six-hundred person mom and pop operation with its determined work ethic, a little elbow grease, and its multibillion dollar corn subsidy lobbying.

The factory farm has been a dream of the corporation’s board of directors for years.  “We always wanted a little place in the country,” said CFO Anne Dunning, “so we said what the hell?  Let’s go for it!  They applied for a modest sixteen billion dollar small business loan and bought out/closed thirty-two local farms.

The upstart factory farm boasts 1200 hogs, 25,000 chickens, and 300 acres of genetically modified corn and soybeans processed hourly.

“We may not be the biggest on the block…OK, maybe we are the biggest on the block” said CEO Bill Thatcher of the facility which uses more power than the city of Baltimore, “but we’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what counts.”

A Part of the Community

Resident Aida Perkis says it’s the behemoth conglomerate’s willingness to help other local farmers that has made the corporation the talk of the town.  “You can always count on ConAgra to lend you a malnourished, underpaid migrant laborer when you need a hand.”

At least they helped us write the sign as they closed us.

These days ConAgra is a favorite in the neighborhood.   “When Bill from ConAgra comes over to borrow a cup of sugar or a palette of hog antibiotics, we don’t think twice,” said Gretchen Summers, whose twenty acre kale farm borders the homespun corporate operation.  “I know they’d do the same for me.  That’s just how folks are out here.”

CEO Thatcher was reportedly so touched by Summers’ sentiments that he, “Almost wished [they] weren’t driving down the cost of kale so that she will default on her mortgage and sell her body for heating oil.”

In these harsh economic times, it’s nice to know that even the smallest of the Fortune 500 can live the American dream.

Chris Partridge

About the author: Chris Partridge

Chris Partridge is a philosophy graduate student living in Wallingford. He is originally from Cincinnati, Ohio, where he lived with his parents until he was 23. That’s not bragging, it’s just true. Chris Partridge gives great back rubs.

WSU group youtube application

Pullman, WA – As of Fall Quarter 2011, Washington State University has begun to only accept applications in the form of 3 minute Youtube videos. This step replaces the standard, written submissions that would begin most Cougar’s five to eight year attempt at a bachelor’s degree.

The change came as the lingering downturn in the housekeeping and food service industries has lead to tsunami of WSU applicants. To tackle the dilemma (work) of judging all of them, Dean of Students, Harry Hoffelstiff, decided to go rogue with his methodologies. Instead continually trying to read applications that were mostly “crumpled papers filled out in crayon,” he changed the admissions policy to only accept youtube videos.

“…we had to cull the naked, stoned herd,” said the Dean Hoffelstiff.

Carlie Gheener, a senior applying for late acceptance in Winter Quarter had this to say about the new program, “Writing is super hard. I’m really good at speeching though. And I’m pretty. On camera is perfect for getting me into college and free drinks. I told them I’ll do anything; the Dean called me back immediately”

Student rendering of the WSU logo

This video concept comes as sweet relief to both the WSU Admissions Office, prospective students of the university and theater majors looking to find an element to gain attendance at a four year university other than the Art Institute.

“We currently do not have enough literate staff who can read the number of applications we receive. Summer Quarter 2011 admissions were extremely rough. We could only read every third entry and threw away the rest. The video submissions idea seemed to make my life easier and novel enough to get me an article in the Colfax Gazette,” said Dean Hoffelstiff.

After initially receiving mostly video submissions of boob shots and bong hits, the Fresham class was filling to quickly.  “We accepted 100% of the first 400 submissions. U.S.  News rankings was  going to kill us, we had to cull the naked, stoned herd,” said the Dean Hoffelstiff.  Guidelines were changed to include a “No Nudity” rule, “it was truly one of the saddest days of my life,” he added. Applicants also had to pledge on the video to commit “no hate crimes… on campus.”

“We tried to exclude drinking from the videos but that’s pretty hypocritical to our students’ lifestyles so we decided against restricting it and instead considered it a new measure of incoming freshman. Who among us can’t watch a keg stand and decipher if the applicant is a higher education go getter? I’ve seen enough of them. I know I can,” remarked Curtis Leroy, Admissions Associate Director.

About the Author: Maria Heinegg

Seattle comedian & writer, Maria Heinegg

Maria Heinegg is a stand up comedian and comedy writer in Seattle. She writes a comedy blog which you should visit: Look I’m a Buffalo as well as for ICanHasCheezBurger.com and HAHAJK.com and tweets hilarious things in 140 characters or less on her Twitter account: @MariaElizabest. Maria graduated in less than 4 years from WWU and is sort of fluent in Spanish as well as sarcasm. She enjoys root beer, office supplies, her nieces and nephew, Reuben sandwiches, and uncomfortable elevator exchanges. She does not know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Probably.

An early Grecian piss pot.

Piss pot cottage industry is not a crock of shit.

(Snohomish-WA) A small, but dedicated group of local women practice the traditional art of piss pot pottery.

“My grandmother got me started when I was a teenager,” said Erica Herrod as eight women huddled around an ancient pottery wheel in the basement of Ye Olde Piss Pot Shoppe in downtown Snohomish. “When she passed away last year, I knew it was up to me to keep the piss pot tradition alive.”

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The art form these women practice originated in the 1800s in the days before indoor plumbing. During the cold winter months, people would relieve themselves into their family piss pot instead of walking to an outhouse. Some of the original piss pots with their exquisite, intricate designs can now fetch more than $100,000.

“They really knew what they were doing back then,” says Janice Causey, one of the newer members of the guild. “The mouths of the jars were so wide! And their capacity was amazing. You could go weeks before it needed to be dumped out!”

“Oh, Janice,” Erica said as she held up one of Janice’s piss pots. “She’s just being modest. She is one of most gifted piss potters we have ever seen. I would piss in one of her pots any day of the week.”

The Snohomish Piss Pot Guild is the oldest piss pot guild in the Northwest and their membership has been growing steadily over the years.

Father's Day Piss Pot

“Our business really picks up every year around Father’s Day,” said Cheryl Murphy, Snohomish Piss Pot Guild treasurer. “I surprised my Dad with a piss pot last year and he just about cried. It’s such a good feeling giving someone a gift they want to use everyday.”

With the droughts plaguing much of the nation this summer, environmentalists have been quick to jump on the piss pot bandwagon.

“Piss pots just makes sense. They’re beautiful to look at and they can reduce your water consumption by 40 percent,” said Erica as she squatted over a piss pot fresh from the kiln. “If you aren’t pissing in a pot, you are killing Mother Earth.”

This trend has not gone unnoticed by bigger businesses. Kleen Kanteen is set to launch a line of ECO Piss Totes this fall, just in time for football season.

“Sure I’ve heard of the bigger guys jumping into our piss pot market,” said Cheryl. “But no one will ever come close to the craftsmanship we put into our work. Come down to Snohomish and take a piss in our showroom. You’ll be relieved that  you did.”

Omar Curiel

About the Author

Omar Curiel

Omar moved to Seattle this year after living in Texas for all of his miserable life. He is a board certified advertising copywriter who has written many commercials you have fast-forwarded through and many print ads that you have completely ignored. He lives in a house with his wife, son, dog, and an unshakable fear of volcano-zombies. In his spare time he enjoys tacos, tequila and ethnic stereotypes [and apparently piss pot crockery ><{{{*>].

Pigeon flying off with its morning loot.

Seattle, Wash.–Every morning at 6:30 a.m., Belltown resident Earl Hammershaal buys a loaf of bread, crumbles it into small pieces and throws it on the ground for local pigeons. Hammershaal, 74, has conducted this feeding ritual, weather permitting, every day without fail since his wife died in 1998. “I just loves me those little birds,” says Hammershaal. “It’s sweet,” says neighbor, Abby Wartsom. “It just so great that he’s like found a purpose in life.”

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An area homeless man sees things differently. Known locally as “Sgt. Batshit”, he sleeps in the Chase bank parking lot where Hammershaal feed the pigeons. “It’s fucking bullshit, man. That old fuck buys bread every fucking day and gives it to fucking pigeons?! Rats with wings; that’s what pigeons are! What about me? I’m fucking hungry and fought in a fucking war! Where’s my fucking bread?” “Fuck me runnin’!” he went on to say.

Pigeons awaiting an ample breakfast in Belltown.

When asked for his opinion on Angry Vet’s position, Hammershaal said, “Tell that hippie bum to get a gosh-darned job. And a haircut! What’s he thinking? Pigeons can’t get no jobs. Who ever heard of a pigeon with a ding-dang job? That’s just hippie drug-smoking nonesense.” Hammershaal also questioned a pigeons ability to purchase a loaf bread, supposing it could navigate the hazards of a modern grocery store and had access to human currency.

A spokespigeon named, “Shits-on-Children,” was unavailable for comment.

Comedian Douglas Gale

About the author: Doug Gale

Douglas Gale started writing for The Seattle Salmon in 2011, and quickly became one of our newest contributors. When not scrawling articles on the backs of bar napkins, he co-hosts a podcast called Delicious Mediocrity.

Mayor Mike McGinn declares his intention to eat an ice cream sandwich.

Seattle Mayor Mike McGinn’s unexpected proclamation, made through an email, set in motion a flurry of anger among the Seattle City Council.

“Was it his intention that the entire population of Seattle eat an ice cream sandwich? Will there be dairy-free options? Which budget is this coming from? This is exactly the kind of irresponsible rhetoric that will destroy us all,” said Councilmember Sally Bagshaw.

Five months ago, McGinn made a similar statement at a Downtown Seattle Association luncheon when he professed his interest in having a slice of rhubarb pie. But he never followed through on the pie consumption and the matter was forgotten.

“This is different. We’re talking about an ice cream sandwich. Who eats those? I guarantee you Mayor Royer never talked about ice cream sandwiches. And if he did, he did it in private, like maybe in the bathroom,” said a former councilmember who wished to not be identified.

Ice cream jeep circling Mayor McGinn's house.

Councilmember Tim Burgess was quick to make his opinion public. “Look, I know people eat ice cream sandwiches,” he said. “But to send out a damn email about it. I mean, I could see if we were trying to get Blue Bunny to move their corporate offices to Seattle or if this was part of a Mariners promotion, but this is just complete random horseshit.”

At press time (press the “Publish” button time), Mayor McGinn had not responded to our request for a comment.

Omar Curiel

About the Author

Omar Curiel

Omar moved to Seattle this year after living in Texas for all of his miserable life. He is a board certified advertising copywriter who has written many commercials you have fast-forwarded through and many print ads that you have completely ignored. He lives in a house with his wife, son, dog, and an unshakable fear of volcano-zombies. In his spare time he enjoys tacos, tequila and ethnic stereotypes.

Tim Eyman's bathroom stall.

Olympia- Emboldened by the November victory of I-1053, conservative activist and initiative campaigner Tim Eyman has gone on the offensive with I-1203, his latest and most ambitious anti-government initiative to date. I-1203 would require that any vote by the state legislature be preceded by a vote from the people, and that any vote by the people be preceded by a vote from the legislature. Backers says that this system of circular dependencies is meant to keep the government in check, but critics claim that it will create an infinite loop, which will cause the government to completely freeze up.

Eyman announced this new initiative in a press conference on Tuesday, during which he presented a flowchart to demonstrate how I-1203 would change the state legislative process. The flowchart contained two boxes marked “Legislature Vote” and “People Vote” each pointing to each other. Eyman then explained that the box marked “Law Passed” was not connected to anything in the cyclical flowchart because “passing laws should be hard.” He added, “I’m just trying to make everyone accountable to everyone else.”

Eyman also stated that I-1203 was partly inspired by a measure implemented in Colorado in 2008. That law, which required all votes by the legislature to be debated until “tomorrow”, generated similar controversy about whether it would lead to more thought-out legislation or whether it would create literally endless debate. Three years later, its effects are still difficult to determine as the government has become completely unresponsive, a fact that both opponents and supporters hold up as evidence in favor of their position.

State Democrats have been quick to come out against Initiative 1203. Governor Chris Gregoire was particularly vehement in her opposition, pointing out that once the state government enters the infinite loop, it is unclear whether it can be interrupted even to conduct basic elections. This would leave her stuck in the governor’s mansion for eternity. Said Gregoire, “Look I want out of this job as bad a hooker wants out of church.  But this initiative would stick me here for eternity.”

Most Washington conservatives have conceded that nobody wants that. Still many on the right are embracing the initiative for its potential to rein in government bureaucracy and return power to the people. Conservative blogger Steve Tarkanian wrote, “This measure will finally give Washington citizens a say. Right after our elected officials have a say. Right after we have a say, right they have a say, right after…” (Editor’s Note: The rest of this quote can be found on Tarkanian’s blog, which is currently down with a PHP stack overflow error).

Of course, at this point all talk of infinite loops is still purely theoretical. The initiative first has to get the required number of signatures, and then has to be approved by a majority of voters next Fall. In the meantime, one thing both sides can agree on is that I-1203 stands a much better chance of resonating with the average Washingtonian than Eyman’s other initiative, which would require that all ballots be printed on Mobius strips.

Charles Untimely

Charles is the founder of the satirical web series Seattle Untimely and the sketch group Charles. The first section Charles turns to in the Seattle Salmon is the Charles author page.

Rude mermen spotted at Alki Beach.

Mermen, living in the shallow waters off Alki Beach, have become increasingly agitated in recent weeks and scientists are unsure why.

The latest incident occurred yesterday when Alison Ryder was walking along the beach with her visiting sister. A merman flopped out of the water, hooted at her, and made an obscene gesture before diving back into the blue. “I didn’t do anything to provoke the merman. He was just being rude.” What the gesture signified, Ryder could only say, “I’m not a contortionist, or ichthyologist for that matter.”

These occurrences are becoming more and more common. West Seattle Merman Enthusiast Network President Chester McSwain is troubled by the recent spate of problems. “I don’t know why this is happening now amongst Alki’s resident mermen. The mermaids are still quite nice. Not the mermen, which is odd since their rutting (mating) season is in late Fall.”

Scientists are collecting water samples but haven’t found anything unusual about the water’s quality or composition. They plan on shooting several mermen this next weekend to perform autopsies to see if the recent incidents have something to do with their internal organs or pollution.

Imogene Garcia has a harrowing merman story. “On Independence Day I was walking my labradoodle, “Mr. Sweetstuff,” near the liberty statue. A merman just vaulted out of the water, pinned Mr. Sweetstuff to the ground, and attacked him…well more like ate him.”  Garcia has since bought a new, faster dog, named, ”Bobo.”

When asked about their recent aggression, a merman near the volleyball courts said, “YAMHHH! Mannnggo loosh phgguhh!” Merman linguist Tod “Toady” Ramirez, associate professor at Highline Community College, is attempting to translate the merman’s short answer. “This far,” he says, “I can only conclude that it’s not English and I think he mentioned something about KOMO’s Dan Lewis being involved.”

City officials are requesting residents and visitors to the Alki area to be extra cautious. “Please come,” West Seattle Chamber of Commerce spokesperson Dell Melson says. “Our Alki is a jewel in Seattle’s crown. It’s a beautiful, relaxing, enjoyable place. Just be aware of the risk that you might come into contact with an aggressive merman who can, and will, eat your dog.”

Jonathan Shipley

Jonathan Shipley is a freelance writer living in Fremont. He’s written for the likes of McSweeney’s and Weekly World News and has also had welding-themed haiku poetry published in a journal in Germany. He knows nothing of welding and little of Germany.