Broadcast image from the future of the "VIAPOCALYPSE."

Seattle-On Wednesday, a haggard, unshaven man approached transportation crews on First Avenue South to pronounce a dire warning should they dismantle the Alaskan Way Viaduct.

“At first I thought he was just another downtown bum – but with better diction,” admitted demolition expert Jeff Boca. “Turns out he was from the year 2020, which has become some kind of dystopian future.”

The man, who refused to give Boca his name vehemently expressed displeasure at the plan to dismantle the viaduct. His opposition was said to border on hysteria.

Reached for comment, the nameless man stated,”The tunnel control system… It feels no pity or remorse.”

“The state-of-the-art control systems are designed to provide real-time information about the tunnel’s safety to WSDOT’s tunnel operators,” Teller explains. “From what future-guy says, the tunnel has decided that its greatest threat is man.”

“We’re not a big fan of the tunnel, but this is just one of the numerous complaints we’ve received from the future,” said PR assistant Wendy Philips. “Notice how he’s quick to level criticisms, but doesn’t offer a solution? And let’s put this in perspective, we’ve received a radio signal from an alternate future where the viaduct collapses during rush-hour, so the ‘wait and see’ approach isn’t an option.”

Boca says that even minor construction can cause serious, apocalypse-level repercussions in the years to come.

“Future-guy warned about a  1st Avenue lane closure that would delay a West Seattle man’s first meeting with his future wife at Wild Ginger. Apparently, their kid writes a really good song that prevents genocide.”

“Game over,” the naked man intoned.

Construction of the tunnel is expected to continue on schedule.

Richard Conlin embracing a wild Washington Salmon.

Richard Conlin says, more or less,  “Kids Must Have Their Salmon”

After multiple attacks from elected officials on the Seattle Salmon, it is heartening to have an elected official not only support us, but want to have us shape the youth of the future.

When Governor Gregoire called us “imbeciles that prove the internet has failed,” it hurt.  When Congressman Jim McDermott sent Capitol Police to our office to “makes us cry like babies,” we did.  But nothing hurt more that the President’s recent remark that he was, “never more ashamed of America than the day we started publishing.”

Given all that constructive criticism, it was so dang nice to have Council President Conlin want us to become part of the curriculum of Seattle Public Schools.  We consider our stories like, “Etch A Sketch sues Kindle for Patent Infringement” and “ Shower Gel: New Designer Drug Lathers Up Belltown Clubs” to be integral to a well rounded student ready to face the future.

Read the whole story below from the press release.  We have not got past the wonderful headline yet, but promise to once Idol’s season is done.

The Seattle Salmon Editorial Board

City of Seattle to preserve “Salmon in Schools” education

Seattle City Council and Seattle Public Utilities exploring all options to save program

Seattle – The Salmon in Schools program, cut by the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife (WDFW) last fall as part of the State’s 2010-2011 fiscal year budget reductions, will likely continue in Seattle schools.

Upon learning that WDFW may no longer fund the statewide program, Seattle Council President Richard Conlin requested that Seattle Public Utilities (SPU) find a way to support the program for Seattle school children.  SPU is offering additional support for the program at a cost of $10,000 per year through the Restore Our Waters program.

“Environmental stewardship starts young,” said Council President Richard Conlin. “Kids learn best by seeing and interacting with nature and wildlife.  The Salmon in Schools program is a successful example of hands-on education.  I had to do something to preserve this valuable resource, and I hope that other municipalities and organizations around the state will do the same.”

The Salmon in Schools program, established in 1991, is an educational project that encourages respect for our aquatic resources and promotes responsible behavior toward the environment.  Large tanks and salmon eggs are provided to both public and private schools and students learn about the salmon lifecycle and the interrelationships between water quality and habitat issues by watching the salmon hatch and grow into fry.  Eggs are provided by state and tribal hatcheries.  The salmon are released into local streams after about 12 weeks.  Statewide, an average of 495 schools participated each year, reaching 40,000 students.  Approximately 50 of those schools are in Seattle.

In addition to supplying the eggs and providing and maintaining the tanks, WDFW funding has supported administering the permits necessary to release the salmon into the streams.  All schools raising salmon require permits and staffing the administration of these permits will need to be resolved for the program to continue.

WDFW is exploring ways to continue the program with private or non-profit funding if the cuts become permanent, and in the meantime SPU has offered to assume the cost of  maintaining the tanks used in Seattle schools. SPU will also continue partnering with local watershed groups, Seattle school district staff, and teachers to implement and maintain the educational component of the program.

“This program is an engaging way for youth to garner an understanding of the important connections between salmon and healthy waters,” said Ray Hoffman, Director of Seattle Public Utilities.

For this year, salmon eggs have already been delivered to schools across the City and kids and grown-ups alike are excited to watch them hatch, grow and swim away down one of Seattle’s streams.

# # #

A rare glimpse at the legal language of baseball.

Brings player’s legal status and behavior section into focus

Seattle-After weeks of payoffs, bought drinks, and pitty sex, the Seattle Salmon Sports Investigative Team have “come upon” a copy of Milton Bradley’s contract.  Most of the document pertains to boring topics such as overpay and the type of starch demanded by the player for his underwear, but the “Behavior” section is riveting.

It is even more fascinating given the recent discussion around a pending felony charge Bradley faces in California for allegedly threatening a woman.  During the coverage it was revealed any felony conviction will terminate his contract.  We believe that clause is at the very end of this section.

Seattle Mariners- 2011 Player Contract

Bradley, Milton-defined below at “player”

Section III.

Player’s Legal Status and Behavior

Any such behavior violations outlined in this section will terminate this contract immediately, even if mid play.

On Field Behavior

Players

Player cannot engage in any physical altercations with other Mariner employees above the rank of bench coach.  This includes other players as well.  Even looking at Ichiro Suzuki or Felix Hernandez will trigger immediate suspension.

A.  Player can strike batting and bullpen coaches, though any injuries beyond requiring first aid terminate this contract.

B.  Player cannot strike any Mariner fans.  However fans of the opposing team is allowable if altercations are not recorded by any device.

C.  In accordance with MLB policy, Bat Boys or Girls need to protect themselves, but do not harm any above bruising that are related to the Mariner or Nintendo ownership group.

Umpires

Player cannot debate any call made by the Umpire in Chief.  Second thought, do not even look at them.  If you do not like a call, take it out on the batting coach.

First and Third Base umpires can be debated with, but never, ever touched in anger.  You can use any cursing except “fuck” and never make any references to what you would or did do sexually with their mothers.

Second Base Umpires may be attacked at will, game related or not.  However damaging any bats in this effort will void this contract.

Announcers

Even under torture, you are never allowed to ever utter the words, or derivatives of, “Dave” or “Niehaus.”  You are not worthy.

Rick Rizz-Should Mr. Rizz offend you, you may file a protest through the front office.  A mediator will be assigned within five business days. Never speak to him directly, no matter what he says about your play, skill, or sanity.

Ron Fairly-Same policy as Mr. Rizz

Dan Wilson- Same as Mr. Niehaus.  He is our new designated living

Saint for an otherwise dying franchise.  Do nothing to bother him.

Dave Valle-Attacks on Mr. Valle for comments against you can be tolerated as long as he can still cover the games we cannot get other announcers to work.  We are all still so sick of his batting as a Mariner and this is the least of paybacks he deserves.  Again, only strike limbs and lower torso.

Ken Levine-Free fire zone, we might even request an attack.  We are not sure he understands what sport he is announcing.  We might even determine an attack is warranted for his writing on “M.A.S.H.” and “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Off Field Behavior

We as a team really don’t care about your off field behavior, as long as it does not hurt this franchise or its players.

That said, modern realities, such as annoying blogs on the internet, www.ussmariner.com, and ESPN’s stunning number of ridiculous channels to fill with 24 hours of garbage each day forces us to care. You hurting outsiders hurts the shreds left of our brand.

Therefore, if you are convicted of any felonies in West Coast states, including Alaska, this contract is immediately terminated.

Misdemeanors are allowed in season if they do not lead to incarceration during said season.

A lovely feather pen.

Medina residents propose building a 12' wall to protect its borders.

City residents are tired of the influx of “them”

Medina-The Medina City Council meeting was packed with agitated citizens ready to throw out the foreign threat. The crowd had suffered at the hands of Clyde Hillians, an invasive species that has overrun their quiet, privileged town. Long lines at Starbucks, venereal disease outbreaks, even mysterious pet abductions were all blamed on the “Clyde Hill Invasion” by the mob.

There was only one solution: Build a Wall.

The controversial ordinance before the Council, the one that stirred up this storm, is one more commonly associated with America’s southwest. The question was whether to build a $3.5 million, 12-foot fence along the Clyde Hill border to keep their residents out of Medina.

Testimony in favor of the bill was blistering. William H. Little III led off with, “You City Council people were elected to protect us! They’re coming over here and taking our $350,000 a year jobs. I had to work in Seattle to pay for my $3 million dollar, waterfront home. SEATTLE!  It’s gross there…”

Nancy Reid followed with, “They’re sneaking their kids into our schools, I don’t volunteer three hours a year to tutor the slow kids form Clyde Hill.”  Her neighbor, Helen Windham shared a similar point of view, “Sure, someone’s got to mow the Kikuyu grass lawn, but now I swear I can smell them in the aisle across from me at the Medina Grocery.  Enough is enough.”

However, the biggest cheer of the night came from Henry Seaton, who paraphrased his mentor, President Reagan with, “City Council, put up that wall!!!”

One speaker, who refused to give her name beyond “Cheryl,” said, “Some of my best friends are from Clyde Hill. And can we really afford an expensive construction project when our own police department’s Land Rovers are two years old?” She had to be given a security escort from the meeting. No Clyde Hill immigrants, legal or otherwise, were allowed to speak.

Another proposed strategy is to require the Medina Police Department to stop and detain any individuals driving cars over a year old or any persons caught walking. When the Medina Police Chief was asked how this scenario might be implemented, Captain Mitch Malloy responded, “Implement? We’ve had that policy in place for ten years.”

At the end of the meeting, the City Council voted 7-0 to build the wall.  A Design Commission meeting was hurriedly called for the next night to allow time to find a turret style that would reflect Medina’s aesthetic and have a net neutral effect on property values.

How does a reporter in Seattle cover the story of the thing happening in Egypt? No, really. We're asking.

Journalistic reputation in worse shape than Mubarak

In the wake of the harrowing, inspiring events unfolding in Egypt, the Seattle Salmon Action! News Team has been hopelessly trying to connect the excitement of Cairo’s demonstrations to this temperate city.

While the Action! News Team could have been combing the streets for a relative of an Egyptian protester, or conducting a phone interview with a Seattleite stranded in the Ramses Hilton, they were instead found crowded around a computer, ogling the unbelievable badonkadonk of the Eastside woman online.

In fact, it was only yesterday that the Action! News Team even realized the protests were occurring at all. Theories on how a pack of journalists managed to miss a story of such magnitude abound, the simplest explanation being that they were searching for a single coherent thought in their own publication’s Blogger of the Week column.

Salmon News Director Luanne Perkins explains, “When the Action! Team finally got started they went straight to the UW’s Arabic and Islamic Studies Program. But by then, the Seattle Times and KING 5 had signed the experts to exclusive analysis deals. Everyone we talked about an interview told us – and this is a rough translation – to ‘eat sand.’ I can’t lie, this isn’t Local Emmy material. This sub-MSNBC, for God’s sake.”

Action! News Team Lead! Reporter Harvey Hatley lamented, “I think the low point was when we hit on the idea of interviewing the manager of the Egyptian Theater on Pine. But he said he had already signed up with the Wallingford Seattle Blog….why do we always lose to those guys! “

Hatley continued, “Sometimes, when you’ve got nothing fresh, you just rehash a bunch of crap you already did. Like those crappy clips shows on 80’s sitcoms.”

Then suddenly, the team received a tip of a potential local angle in a woman living in Tacoma. A race down I-5 at 115 MPH and three reckless driving tickets later, they were dejected to learn that the woman was in fact Italian.

Bloomberg at his NYC command bunker.

Catastrophic winter weather across the U.S. and abroad undermines traditional NW whining

Ice Planet Hoth New York City – Today Mayor Michael Bloomberg read a proclamation urging a number of measures aimed at meteorologically-weak Seattleites, including “Sack up, and shut your pie hole about the weather, already! ” His frustration is fueled by the series of snowstorms that have buried New York City since December.  Mayor Bloomberg,  unwrapping the layers of scarves around his face announced, “Until Seattle has suffered through four feet of snow like we have, they are hereby banned from complaining about the weather, under punishment of death by exposure back east.”

Since the official start of winter five weeks ago, the Puget Sound region has had one snow storm and has otherwise enjoyed moderate temperatures and 23 days of partial to full sun. These facts aside, locals continue to protest that Seattle winters are “unbearable,” and the common complaint is heard everywhere, “it’s not just that the skies are gray, they are such an uninspiring shade of gray.”  Also, doctors are reporting the usual influx of “patients” claiming Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD.

The world outside of the Central Puget Sound area is suffering through one of the worst winters in the history of mankind. Western Europe was completely shut down by recurring snowstorms resulting in thousands of stranded passengers at Heathrow Airport.  These travelers had to survive long nights on hard floors and British food.

The Southeastern U.S. was blasted with snow in both December and January where poorly equipped state governments ceded power to local warlords. Even Los Angeles has been hit hard, suffering lethal, flash floods that forced some residents to distribute disposable ponchos to their gardeners.  Other residents reported irreparable damage to their auras.  Finally, after the last round of flooding, Australia has sunk.

No area, however, has been hit harder than the Northeast. New Yorkers, in particular, continue to struggle. One resident in the Rosewood area of Queens told a New York Post reporter, “I heard my neighbor killed the postman for food. The next day, I got an invitation to her place for a chili dinner. I am not asking questions and I am totally okay with this.”

The Mayor did mention that the single silver lining is that New York will host the 2011 Iditarod this March.

A raw milk connoisseur takes a pull off Whole Foods' newest offering.

Ravenna-Prepare for the smell of cow manure and unchecked fermentation from raw milk at your local Whole Foods. Today the overpriced organic grocer announced they were breaking from their years-long stance against the sale of raw milk due to bacterial infestation fears.  Why the reversal?  Whole Foods will pair the raw milk with artisanal antibiotics.

“Customers demand authentic products, untouched by government and corporate tendrils – even if that authenticity can be fatal,” said Product Manager Brian Kim.  “To protect our customers from bacteria such as salmonella, we are offering raw milk along with hand crafted antibiotics, produced in small batches by local pharmaceutical enthusiasts.  This is a great way to remove the guess work for our customers and put another product on the shelves.  All for only $11 a half gallon. In a glass bottle, of course.”

Maria Green, N.D., author of the Mother Jones bestseller Don’t Cook that Hamburger! created the pairing menu, now posted in all Whole Food dairy aisles.  “I tried to truly balance the essence and flavor of the milk, the bacteria, and the antibiotic.”  One example of the pairing menu is a half gallon of raw milk from Lynden’s Wholly Cow Dairy, naturally-infused with Listeria, and a two week prescription for a piquant dab of Spectinomycin made in a Wallingford basement.  “The three flavors bounce off each other’s respective nuttiness and dazzle the palette with rich smoky undertones.  Plus you probably won’t get explosive diarrhea.”

The controversy over raw milk is far from over.  Outbreaks of bacterial food poisoning from infected raw milk sickened 395 health-conscious Washingtonians last year, according to the Department of Health.

Raw milk farmers seem unconcerned and welcome Whole Foods’ campaign.  The Seattle Salmon visited Lynden’s Wholly Cow Dairy and Spirituality Center as owner Jerry Grant was enthusiastically milking, “I‘m glad people are finally celebrating the bacteria.  It’s a God-given part of what makes milk great!  Look, a cow’s udder is right under its ass. The fecal matter has this wonderfully viscous quality that causes it to pretty much coat the lower half of the creature. If you ask me, that’s God’s way of telling us He wants the shit in the milk.”

Customer reaction is mixed.  Mother of two toddlers, Wanda Peterson, was ecstatic, “I am buying three gallons today.  I get so tired of people telling me that foods I know to be wholesome – like raw milk or kombucha – are bad for my kids.” Personal trainer Todd doesn’t see what the controversy is about, “We raw milk drinkers are just like everyone else: we puke blood, convulse, and sweat an oily black fluid from our palms.” Incoherent activist, Lawrence Dear, took issue with the need for antibiotics at all, “This is just one more way for Big Pharma and Big Farm to take my money.  I don’t care how organically you make them, antibiotics were developed by the government to suppress the working class.  That’s a fact.  I need to move back to Eugene where everything is real.”

Next up for Whole Foods is pairing organic cigarettes with naturopathic chemotherapy derived from the Pacific Cedar.

Lusty Lady to reopen on a Seattle ferry.

At the outset of the legislative session, Governor Gregoire proposed a regional ferry district to pay for Washington’s world famous fleet.  Currently, the fleet is funded by the statewide gas tax and a target of Eastern Washington Republicans seeing no gain for their constituents’ contributions to the system.

Our ferries may cease to exist soon and we would have to revert to personal kayaks!

Simultaneously, First Avenue has been without the Lusty Lady since it “clothed” its door last June.

Seattle, and Washington for that matter cannot afford such iconicide!

So the Seattle Salmon Editorial Board has a solution to both problems.

Re open the Lusty Lady on the ferries!  The ladies will literally “float your boats!”

• Funding problem?  Solved
• Ridership falling? Over.
• Strippers working as neurosurgeons?  Done. (Sorry Harborview, but this is a more important job)

We have already spoken to some of the, er, Ladies and they were not only excited, but one started assembling a sign for the ship that said, “Seamen Wanted!”  Another, with some seafaring experience suggested, ““If the boat’s a rockin’, there’s probably a wind advisory.”

Although tragically all male at the moment, pending a gender reassignment coverage dispute with Group Health, we at the Seattle Salmon Editorial Board are not stupid.

We also propose making a number of boats partner with Centerfolds so the ladies have some floating entertainment as well.  It will also give the deck hands some extra work during their breaks and a new way to, “raise the sails.”

Hours for both clubs could be from noon to the, “the stroke of midnight.”

The Seattle Salmon Editorial Board apologizes for none of the puns that play off the old, and dearly missed, Lusty Lady sign. In fact, we wish we could fit this in the article as well: “Bow down and peek through our portholes.”

Portrait of Lies.

Internal investigation reveals interlopers within group

Mean Lake-In the latest Green Lake Moms E-newsletter, the founder of the organization’s 2,000-member listserv, CoCo Hsu, revealed the results of a secret investigation.  The investigation did not unveil crimes like embezzlement or child slavery, but it exposed  how many of its members were breaking the “sacred” 2-mile rule.  The rule requires members of the Green Lake Moms to live within a 2-mile radius of said lake.

To check every member’s address, Ms. Hsu and two compatriots logged over 3,000 miles in their Subarus, hired a team of surveyors, and according to Mr. Hsu, “printed so many Google maps that my fingers are permanently stained black, LOL!” Shockingly, they found five mothers who did not fit their definition of “Green Lake,” and posted their names in blood red 85 point type on the website.

Ms. Hsu proudly defends the effort.  “How can we have any list integrity or more importantly, sense of community, if we don’t really know who is an outsider?”  She went on to detail how raising a child in Green Lake is a truly unique experience that might confuse mothers who live in “outer, lesser neighborhoods.”

One of the ousted mothers, Charlene Lewis, took tremendous offense at the investigation.  “I told my husband someone was rooting through our garbage!  I liked chatting with other new moms.  Is that a crime?  According to Bing Maps, I live 2.006 miles from the lake.  Jesus fuck, rename them Mean Lake Moms!”

Although there was a lively discussion on the site’s discussion board about the investigation, no other Green Lake Moms outright disagreed with the operation.  GreenMomAngel wrote, “Well, you have to ask, ‘Why ARE they here?  What could they possibly contribute?  What do they want from us?’”  MadisonsMommy432 wrote,” I think I told one of them about my favorite time to walk the lake with my Madison.  To have shared something so intimate… I just feel violated.”

Within the week the discussion went back to organic baby food reviews and best ways to teach trigonometry to a one year-old.  However, as of last weekend, one new member had signed up for the list without submitting a PDF of her utility bill.  In response, there was a rousing rally cry to “Ban the Ballardian!”

Elderly Seattle citizens organizing a soccer game at the scuplture park.

Frustrated by lack of soccer fields and overpriced elitist projects, mature teams stage match to put the “Park” back in Sculpture Park

Dale and Edward Lunsford’s tranquil Saturday stroll through the Olympic Sculpture Park’s always includes a quite viewing of Mark Dion’s, “Nurse Tree.”  However, this visit’s tranquility was shattered by a soccer ball drilled into Dale’s face.  It was not child’s stray kick, but in fact the young couple had walked into a rolling protest by raging grandparents against the overall cost of the park and its limited use.

The protest was sparked after game organizers had been scheduled for a soccer game three months in the future by the Seattle Parks Department.  Emmett Wilson, league president, had had enough.  “I called Seattle Parks and asked for a game in the Sculpture Park.  It’s a park, we play soccer.  They sounded confused and then tried to get me to just take the game in April. At that moment, I snapped and called this game.”

The Blue Ridge Blue Hairs captain Mabel Stanton said, ”The sign to the Sculpture Park says ‘Park’ so we are going to goddamn use it as one.”

Magnolia Mudpies forward Glen Bowing is more direct, “We freed Europe in World War Two for less than what this monument to ‘new’ Seattle cost.  I say bullshit.  We play here, we play now.” Bowing punctuated his statement by kicking a ball against Richard Serra’s seminal sculpture, Wake.

The Parks Department showed the Seattle Salmon the budget for the Park which was $85 million, justifying the expense on the grounds that the park is a rich statement on the humanity of the city.

When told of the protest Parks Department director Corrine Hopkins blurted, “Good Lord, these 80 something seniors don’t really give a poop about the game.  This is all about the drinking that goes on afterward and the freaky geriatric hookups in the parking lot of Merrill Gardens.  I’ve seen the security camera footage – it gives a terrifying new meaning to the term ‘stray ball.’ This is not about athletics and these, most definitely are not athletes.”

The game raged for about another four minutes until the ball was impaled on Alexander Calder’s work, Eagle and Mabel Johnston thought she fractured her new synthetic hip.  Feeling sufficiently self righteous, the entire group, sans Mabel, retired to The Shanty for the “Senior Wake Up Special.”