Total bullshit could paralyze the region

As a high pressure hype system approaches the Seattle area, the National Weather Service is reporting that six inches of bullshit could accumulate in the lowlands while up to a foot of dense, heavy horseshit will blanket the higher elevations.

TV weatherperson Monica Shields is making dire predictions. “This is a perfect storm. Just like that movie… I forget its name.” The Puget Sound Convergence Zone will bear the brunt of the coming hype blizzard.

“It’s going to be winter mayhem in the Convergence Zone,” said Shields. “My computer models are predicting a death toll in the low thousands. Time to find your mittens, everybody!”

Government officially joins the freakout

Mayor McGinn, remembering his predecessor’s slow response to an actual snow storm in 2008, has very publicly freaked the fuck out, ordering road crews to not only salt the roads, to but pepper them as well. “The people demand bold action,” said the Mayor. “And whatever the hell that means, I’m totally doing it.”

"There is enough salt and de-icer in the truck behind me to end life in Seattle as we know it."

Kids hoping for a snow job day will be disappointed. The layer of hot air that usually dominates western Washington in January is set to return by Tuesday and schools should be open.

]]> http://theseattlesalmon.com/local-news/winter-hype-storm-poised-to-strike-puget-sound/feed 0 http://theseattlesalmon.com/local-news/520-brand-new-ways-to-toll-washingtonians http://theseattlesalmon.com/local-news/520-brand-new-ways-to-toll-washingtonians#comments Fri, 23 Dec 2011 09:00:18 +0000 Mason http://theseattlesalmon.com/?p=2149

Child with new good to go pass.

Gov. Gregoire: “We tolled you so”

Tolls aren’t just for for floating bridges anymore. Thanks to new technology, Washington residents now have dozens of daily opportunities to help solve the state’s budget crisis.

Under this “microtaxation” scheme, passed in a mysterious late-night legislative session, Good to Go passes will be fused to the foreheads of all residents while thousands of scanners will be erected in public spaces. The new system allows the State of Washington to tax citizens directly and automatically for the use of any public resource.

“This amounts to a user fee for basically… everything,” said Gov. Chris Gregoire, sporting a pass numbered 0000001. “Hey, you can’t get much more fair than that. And when I say everything,” she added, “I mean everything.”

Critics are bristling under the new taxation while scratching at the industrial adhesive bonding the Good to Go pass to their flesh. Queen Anne resident Matthew Blum (#0575118), who was preparing to take his son to a nearby park opined, “We are monetizing existence itself. This sends a horrible message to our chil – DANG! There it goes again!” Mr. Blum had passed from his entryway to the sidewalk in front of his house, incurring an $.08 fee for use of a public throughfare, a $.02 fee for air with a half-cent sunny day surcharge.

“I want to do my part to help solve our budget problem, but this really is awful for our kids,” Blum continued as he brushed the blond hair from his son Jayden’s forehead, revealing a kid-sized Good to Go pass.

“Daddy, it stings,” Jayden (#0575119) complained.

“Yes it does, son. Yes it does,” replied his father as the two walked to a nearby playground, racking up dozens of fees as the two crossed streets, enjoyed views of the Olympic Mountains, and entered David Rogers Park.

Gov. Gregoire has defended the controversial measure: “People don’t want us to cut services and they don’t want to pay for the things they don’t use. So, we tolled you.”

Back at David Rogers Park, sensors on the playground slide taxed little Jayden as he climbed to the top of the slide and as he exited it at the bottom. “They get you coming and going,” remarked Matthew Blum, “Shit [swearing fee: $.06], we can’t even afford to go on the swing.”

How to waterboard the safe way.

Grocery store throws the book at a little girl who can’t read

Everett, WA – Last week, a 4-year-old girl was apprehended by a Safeway security guard after eating dried fruit from a box and then putting it back on the shelf.  This act, according to Safeway, is a crime on par with “Genocide and coupon counterfeiting.”

When confronted with the damning evidence, the little girl “claimed” she wanted an attorney and/or a nap. However, store security immediately saw through this clever legal ploy and detained the suspect for questioning.

Reads: "I is guilty"

This will feel a little wet

After several frustrating hours of grueling interrogation, Safeway’s legal counsel recommended the use of waterboarding in an attempt to extract a confession from the trail mix miscreant.

After enduring 20 minutes of the Bush-endorsed torture technique, the 4-year-old signed a full confession.

While a badly misspelled signature scrawled in crayon will be subject to legal maneuvers, attorneys for Safeway confidently cite the legal precedents of confessions in Iraqi facilities signed in blood, saliva and feces.

While a badly misspelled signature scrawled in crayon will be subject to legal maneuvers, attorneys for Safeway confidently cite the legal precedents of confessions in Iraqi facilities signed in blood, saliva and feces.

It was all a misunderstanding

However, after the public outcry over Safeway’s “harsh” treatment of the little girl, the company is backpedaling on its stance on shoplifter torture.

Community Affairs Liaison, Mike Peters offered a sincere public apology, stating, “While waterboarding is constitutionally sanctioned, Safeway apologizes for its application in this particular situation because it was brought out into the light of day. Any person caught shoplifting in the future, of any age, will now be turned over to CIA tribunals outside the U.S.”

Free samples

Safeway also announced they have fired the store security person responsible for this tragedy. The company states they are replacing the offending security guard with an equally insecure megalomaniac who will work for grocery justice at a minimum wage.

In a gesture of good will, Safeway has instructed all of its bakeries and deli counters to ply customers with extremely generous portions of free samples until this public relations crisis is resolved.

(MONTLAKE) Last Friday, hundreds of protestors occupied and shut down the University Bridge during rush-hour traffic, severing a critical link between the drug dealers on Capitol Hill and UW students with healthy cash allowances.

UW Botany Department Emblem

The temporary supply disruption forced residents of the U-District to go hours without a reliable source of marijuana or Adderall. As word of the crisis spread, students began panic-buying malt liquor and cough syrup to avoid experiencing reality.

While some students were visibly distracted and on edge throughout the two hour drug shortage, others could be seen making the best of a “bummed-out” situation. Undeclared UW senior, Mike Davis, wisely said:

“Sometimes you’re just a passenger in life. All you can do is scrape the resin out of your pipe and let the universe drive.”

Most students anxiously waited out the bridge blockade by obsessively checking their Facebook page or playing Call of Duty 4, others were heroically “hooked up” by one of the numerous History majors now working in University District’s thriving food service industry. One dreadlocked pizza cook named “Griff” was singled out as being particularly generous with his personal stash to get the campus through the crisis.  Unfortunately, there were reports of grounds crew trading benign mushrooms as psychedelic for sexual favors.

Napkin showing the signs that things in the U-District are returning to normal.

The Occupy Seattle movement apologized for the unintended drug shortage in the University District, but said they wished students would have talked to them, because they could have totally, “scored them anything they needed.”

Hours after the protest ended, and the flow of drugs had resumed, students were witnessed at U-District cafes furiously drawing concentric circles on napkins and chasing butterflies around the quad. In other words, everything is back to normal.

A victim of their own success, the Occupy Seattle tent city is finding a new type of resident

Insecure IT workers, overeducated/underemployed hipsters and other bourgeois, have planted their solar powered REI tents in Seattle’s latest hot neighborhood:  the Occupy Seattle tent city.

In the eternal quest to feel relevent, Seattleites are trading their vespas, gym memberships, and $1200 studios for pop tart dinners, Honeybuckets and drum circles.

Changes in store

“I got here and imediately felt a lot hipper.” said Real Networks programmer Judy Perkins.  She moved in last week and is happy overall, but did feel, ”I would make a few changes…for starters, where did all the closet space go?”

A cultural shift is already taking place in the tent city. These new residents have set up a cooperative espresso stand, arranged for dry cleaning to be picked up, and formed an Ultimate Frisbee league.

Army Dave, a long-time Occupy Seattle resident explained that he feels marginalized by the new arrivals, saying, “They keep complaining about the food…one even asked if they could bring their parents RV…don’t they know real social change only comes through shitty living conditions and poor hygene?”

Nearby residents are mostly happy about the changing demographics of Occupy Seattle.  However, some neighbors have complained that the new “Macbook bums” are sucking all the WIFI bandwidth out of the surrounding neighborhood while streaming pilates videos and episodes of “New Girl”.

Quality of life decisions.

It comes down to priorites

With the average price for a one bedroom apartment in Seattle averaging $1,450.00, residents say moving to the tent city was a quality of life decision as well.

Sean Bixton, a supply chain specialist at Amazon.com, had motives other than politics  when he moved into tent city last month, explaining, “It was either pay the rent on my Belltown apartment or pay for my iPhone’s 4G data plan. And, I don’t want to live in a world without Siri.”

One recent arrival tearfully recounted her personal tale of sacrifice, saying, “Before moving to Occupy Seattle, I was reduced to drinking just one Venti Cinnamon Dulce latte a day. You try mustering the uncaffeinated willpower to attend back-to-back bullshit meetings with that anchor on your neck. After moving here, I feel  like me again.”

Despite Amazing Toilet Wine Recipe, Amanda Fails to Lure Roomie

Sources close to the Knox family revealed acquitted murder suspect Amanda Knox is struggling to find housing back in the US. After exhausting personal contacts, online ads, and fetish boards, Knox has been rejected by all possible roommates.

Snapshots from Amanda's trip to Italy.

“Amanda was really sweet in person,” reported Shelly McManis, whom Knox approached about a Fremont roomshare. “But it’s hard to feel excited about a roommate who lists ‘Italian Warden’ as a reference.”

Temporarily Living In A Paparazzo Van

In an interview with The Salmon, Knox expressed discouragement about the housing search. “I meet someone, we hit it off, their place looks nice. Then a couple days later I get rejected. It’s like when I say ‘overturned conviction for murder’ they only focus on the murder part.”

Not to be deterred, Knox is trying to market her time in prison as a plus. “Everybody loves a roommate who can cook, right? Well I have an amazing recipe for toilet wine. So what’s the deal, Seattle?”

Non-Murder Loves to Party

The pride of West Seattle.

Knox also received zero responses to her craiglist post seeking a roommate. “The ad was a little disconcerting,” said an interested Greenlake student. “The title was ‘Fun, Non-murderer seeks Hip Female Roomie’. I know she didn’t kill that girl, really. But why put it out front like that?”

Knox presumed she would live with her parents upon returning to the Northwest, but the idea was quickly rejected by the family. “I think they just want me to spread my wings and fly,” Amanda said. “Get a little independence.”

“We love Amanda,” said her father, “but no, no, no, no, no. Hell no. We were there when the appeal was read. No one heard the word ‘technicality’ louder than her mother and me.”

Seattle, Wash. — As the work begins to replace the Alaskan Way Viaduct, the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) announced that they will use demolition techniques learned from playing countless hours of the video game Angry Birds.

Civil engineer Michael Bastion explained how the viaduct deconstruction would proceed, “We’re going to start with the big red birds, they’re awesome for taking out large concrete superstructures. Then, when you get down to rebar, you have to zing some of those quick yellow guys in there to slice it up.”

Safety Concerns

Fan favorite, black bomber bird will be unavailable.

WSDOT community liaison, Bill Campeau, assured waterfront businesses that the plan was completely safe, explaining, “The drawn out disputes and delays over a viaduct replacement option have allowed our entire department the time necessary to focus on gaining critical expertise at flinging angry birds.”

WSDOT has determined–through hundreds of hours of simulations–that they will unfortunately not be able to use the black bomber birds, for fear of taking out Ivar’s and potentially destabilizing the sea wall.

Alternate Methodologies Considered

Old guard prefer the Super Mario method for demolition.

Some of the old guard engineers within WSDOT have expressed concerns over deploying Angry Birds within the confines of the city. Instead, they would prefer to use traditional demolition techniques, by employing Super Mario and his brother Luigi to safely smash the viaduct from below. Still, other engineers are pushing for a “pong-like” solution.

Oink! Oink!

However, some swine activists are trying to derail the entire project, calling for an immediate halt to demolition efforts. They expressed concerns that the viaduct is the natural habitat for a rare species of green pigs.

A near critical mass of media hype almost destroyed Seattle last week

Scientists say Seattle narrowly escaped total destruction by cosmic levels of media hype

The collision of two rudderless media juggernauts nearly destroyed Seattle on Friday. Only sheer luck spared the region as Amanda Knox visited the Occupy Seattle protest. While the people of Seattle looked forward to their weekend, most were unaware of the near-cataclysmic event unfolding around them.

Dr. Olive Stansfield, a theoretical media physicist, explained the danger. “This collision had the potential to completely explode the idea that today’s news media means… anything. Neither the Occupy Seattle or Amanda Knox mega-stories are based on facts that matter in our daily lives. We’re talking about the combination of protesters who don’t know what they want with a woman who didn’t do anything – all under a cosmic cloud of hype.”

“We’re talking about the combination of protesters who don’t know what they want with a woman who didn’t do anything – all under a cosmic cloud of hype.” – Dr. Olivia Stansfield, theoretical media physicist

Stansfield continued, “So when you bring these two entities into close proximity, there’s a real danger that normal people are going to call bullshit on a massive, massive scale. And we can’t have that.”

Other theoretical media analysts concur. “The presence of just one more TV news crew could’ve tipped the scales towards cataclysm” said Dr. Klaus Stark. “I’m going to assume you’ve seen Ghostbusters. This was like crossing the streams. We’re damn lucky to be alive.”

A Hubble Space Telescope image of the Occupy Seattle and Amanda Knox media hype clouds in dangerous proximity over Seattle.

Amanda Knox, seemed oblivious to her role in the city’s close call with disaster. “I sorta like the protesters. I dunno. I thought I’d do them a favor by bringing a couple vans full of British paparazzi down here while I walked around with a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face and shopped for hats.”

Reacting to the presence of Ms. Knox, Occupy Seattle protester Brian (last name withheld) said, “If she supports putting rational controls on banking, returning our financial system to the gold standard, eliminating funding for the Department of Education, investigating chemtrails, and either fluoridating our water or abolishing fluoridation, then she’s cool with me.”

An Occupy Main Street Protester

Hired protesters occupy public housing projects in Occupy Mainstreet counter-movement

(Columbia Tower Club) After weeks of protests declaring 99% of America is being fleeced by the top 1 percent, the top 1 percent are striking back.  Representatives of the moneyed uber-class held a press conference on Saturday to counter the “un-American populist bull crap.”  Leader and trust fund recipient Clark Thomas Simpson III said, “How dare these oppressors attack our way of life!  By declaring yourselves the 99 percent you ADMIT we are, in fact, the oppressed minority.  We are not just taking this like an undefended polo goal.  Today, we fight back to defend what we stole.”  And with that Mr. Simpson laid out a counter protest: Occupy Main Street.

To kick off the movement, two dozen jobless MBAs were recruited to occupy the entrance to Seattle’s Yesler Terrace housing project. Simpson continued, “We will show these oppressors who the real victims are in America.  Let’s see how they feel to have the truth of their lies held up to the nation.”

The rich get richer, the poor get douche bags on their lawns

No Tax Breaks, No Peace!

The unemployed MBAs chained themselves to a bench at the entrance, chanting “No Tax Break, No Peace!”  Residents, returning home from low-paying, dead end jobs didn’t know what to make of the protesters in pink Lacoste shirts, sporting fresh Eric Cantor tattoos.  “I thought my boss’s son had passed out here again until I saw the signs and heard the chants,” said resident Dorothy Harris.

KIRO FM’s Dori Monson was on-hand to cover the protest.  “The victims have had enough and are fighting back,” he remarked. “And unlike the Occupy Seattle hooligans with their nonsense about ‘economic justice and fair taxation’ these brave souls have a message: lower taxes for millionaires, less money wasted on schools. I am tearing up with hope.”  Soon after his broadcast, the lure of a new episode of Jersey Shore broke up the demonstration and the protesters made their way back to their parents’ basements in Medina.

Moving to a “Rage Based,” economy
Fox News, enraptured with the “courageous stand,” gave Occupy Main Street coverage for 24 hours straight. The Wall Street Journal even broke out the “9/11 Giant Font Size.”

Bill O’Reilly commented, “The oppressed rich in Seattle are as brilliant as they are gutsy. Hired protesters? There’s your job creation right there. Obama couldn’t do that. These Occupy Main Street folks are way ahead of the curve as we transition to a rage based economy.”

By Monday, the movement had spread to New York and other large cities as the rich hired jobless social climbers to protest the populist rhetoric against the wealthy.  In San Francisco, a mob of out work realtors stormed a soup kitchen.

When asked how he felt about Occupy Mainstreet’s success, Clark Thomas Simpson III enthused, “This is great.  The sooner we get these poor off our backs, the sooner we can move on to the next great Ponzi scheme like the housing crisis to fleece these rubes.”

Mayor McGinn in happier hippy times

Combined with Hempfest restrictions, hippies across America vote him out of their office

Westlake Mall-Under Mayoral orders, the Seattle Police are planning to move in tonight to clear out protestors against corporate greed camping in Westlake Park.  The group is a local offshoot of the Occupy Wall Street movement called Occupy Seattle.  The move by the Mayor has enraged the far left across America and they have formally stripped him his standing as one of a very select group of “Alpha Hippies.”

Organic pepper spray from Whole Feuds by djbones

The Occupy Seattle Consensus Builder* named, Sitka Spruce said, “McGinn is totally joining the fascists.  Kick us out?  He and his bike should be down here, man.  We are so stoked to hear the High Hippy Council has stripped him of his title.  Dude has changed.”

In a press release, the High Hippy Council said, “We had such high hopes for Mayor McGinn.  He rides a bike, founded a nonprofit, heck he has a beard!  Yet his actions speak to a different soul, one that sees peace and quiet above our need to camp in parks and smoke pot.  His name is hereby erased from the chalkboard in our basement office in Eugene.   So be it.”

This action is not without merit.  Only last year Seattle’s Hempfest felt the Mayor had unfairly “harshed their trippy tree slide by requiring permits for the hundreds of thousands that cram into Myrtle Edwards park to buy expensive, low-quality pot and choke on patchouli clouds the size of Brazil.

McGinn was reached for comment and said:

“What? I am totally a hippy. Do you realize how much we paid for organic pepper spray to use on them tonight?”

After a pause, the Mayor seemed resigned to his fate and finished with, “Whatever. I am not even sure what these Occupy Seattle folks are protesting.  In New York, they are holding down Wall Street to fight corporate greed.  What does Westlake Park say as a location…they hate Sephora?  $38 foundation is evil?  Go home and stop harassing the homeless in the park.”  With that, the Mayor hopped on his bike and rode off to play Frisbee at Gasworks with his friend Earth Moon.

*They do not buy into the bourgeois idea of top down leadership models…man