Total bullshit could paralyze the region As a high pressure hype system approaches the Seattle area, the National Weather Service is reporting that six inches of bullshit could accumulate in the lowlands while up to a foot of dense, heavy horseshit will blanket the higher elevations. TV weatherperson Monica Shields is making dire predictions. “This [...]
Gov. Gregoire: “We tolled you so” Tolls aren’t just for for floating bridges anymore. Thanks to new technology, Washington residents now have dozens of daily opportunities to help solve the state’s budget crisis. Under this “microtaxation” scheme, passed in a mysterious late-night legislative session, Good to Go passes will be fused to the foreheads [...]
1:00am, Fri, Dec 23 2011 | Posted in
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Grocery store throws the book at a little girl who can’t read Everett, WA – Last week, a 4-year-old girl was apprehended by a Safeway security guard after eating dried fruit from a box and then putting it back on the shelf. This act, according to Safeway, is a crime on par with “Genocide and coupon counterfeiting.” When confronted with the [...]
(MONTLAKE) Last Friday, hundreds of protestors occupied and shut down the University Bridge during rush-hour traffic, severing a critical link between the drug dealers on Capitol Hill and UW students with healthy cash allowances. The temporary supply disruption forced residents of the U-District to go hours without a reliable source of marijuana or Adderall. As [...]
A victim of their own success, the Occupy Seattle tent city is finding a new type of resident Insecure IT workers, overeducated/underemployed hipsters and other bourgeois, have planted their solar powered REI tents in Seattle’s latest hot neighborhood: the Occupy Seattle tent city. In the eternal quest to feel relevent, Seattleites are trading their vespas, gym memberships, and [...]
4:22pm, Mon, Nov 14 2011 | Posted in
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Despite Amazing Toilet Wine Recipe, Amanda Fails to Lure Roomie Sources close to the Knox family revealed acquitted murder suspect Amanda Knox is struggling to find housing back in the US. After exhausting personal contacts, online ads, and fetish boards, Knox has been rejected by all possible roommates. “Amanda was really sweet in person,” reported [...]
Seattle, Wash. — As the work begins to replace the Alaskan Way Viaduct, the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) announced that they will use demolition techniques learned from playing countless hours of the video game Angry Birds. Civil engineer Michael Bastion explained how the viaduct deconstruction would proceed, “We’re going to start with [...]
Scientists say Seattle narrowly escaped total destruction by cosmic levels of media hype The collision of two rudderless media juggernauts nearly destroyed Seattle on Friday. Only sheer luck spared the region as Amanda Knox visited the Occupy Seattle protest. While the people of Seattle looked forward to their weekend, most were unaware of the near-cataclysmic [...]
Hired protesters occupy public housing projects in Occupy Mainstreet counter-movement (Columbia Tower Club) After weeks of protests declaring 99% of America is being fleeced by the top 1 percent, the top 1 percent are striking back. Representatives of the moneyed uber-class held a press conference on Saturday to counter the “un-American populist bull crap.” Leader [...]
9:34am, Mon, Oct 10 2011 | Posted in
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Combined with Hempfest restrictions, hippies across America vote him out of their office Westlake Mall-Under Mayoral orders, the Seattle Police are planning to move in tonight to clear out protestors against corporate greed camping in Westlake Park. The group is a local offshoot of the Occupy Wall Street movement called Occupy Seattle. The move by [...]
