Family falls under the spell of magic mushrooms

A family of mushroom enthusiasts had to be rescued this weekend after an almost week long bad trip in an Oregon forest. Betsy and Dickey Boone, along with their adult son Abe and their pit bull Jonsey, had planned a quick trip off a logging road to search for some edible mushrooms. Rescuers found them six days later, huddled in a hollow tree, tripping balls.

There is ‘shroom at the top

“Dood, I never should have followed that forest gnome,” Abe moaned to the medics treating him on the ground. “He said he was going to take me to the Great Spirit, but instead he just led us to the eating tree.” Abe went on to describe how he had added several handfuls of blue ringer mushrooms to the macaroni salad his mother had packed for their lunch. Thirty minutes later the family found themselves through the looking glass and in pursuit of a malicious wood sprite.

“Just when we thought we had him he would melt into the ground. Fucker. I was getting freaked out because I kept seeing corpses of abandoned prostitutes, but my mom had almost no visuals. We weren’t scared at first, because we knew the Great Spirit would protect us.”

The “Great Spirit” ended up being a large tree with a half rotted root system that provided the shivering family shelter as night fell. Betsy Boone dubbed the tree “Gandalf” and insisted on dancing naked around him until dusk. “We waited too long to leave, man,” hiccuped Abe. “After dark the forest demons came out and surrounded Gandalf. We were only safe if we stayed inside.” At this point they were almost a mile from their car, so they decided to just hunker down and wait for rescue.

As days went by, the family had to make tough choices between eating more mushrooms or attempting to consume Jonsey, the suddenly skittish family dog. They opted for the psilocybin fungi. “At least it gave us pretty colors to look at. And I could, like, feel the moss breathing.”

By the third day search parties were out en masse and occasionally the Boone’s could hear their names being called. Unfortunately, Gandalf had sent shoots up through their legs, rooting them to heavily foliaged forest floor.

“The tree was trying to absorb us,” said Dickey Boone. “He told us he would keep us safe from the loud metal birds flying overhead.”

Rescuers eventually found the family less 200 yards from searchers by following a trail of empty orange juice cartons to the hollow tree. All three have since had their medical mushroom cards pulled by the state.

“Thank God,” barked Jonsey. “I was minutes away from eating their faces off out of pure annoyance.”

Charitable foundation makes a boob of itself 

Susan G. Komen for the Cure has halted funding previously granted to rival woman’s health advocacy group Planned Parenthood. Komen says they are concerned with the shoddy bookkeeping that has Planned Parenthood under investigation by Congress, but the 19 Planned Parenthood affiliates no longer receiving Komen cash for breast cancer screenings say Komen is the one engaging in back-alley pandering to pro-life political groups.

Race for the Coat Hanger

At first glance, the two organizations seem to have a lot in common. Both are women’s advocacy groups which encourage women to frequently touch themselves in the shower. However many claim that the breast cancer charity has long been jealous of Planned Parenthood’s special relationship with the younger, more sexually active crowd.  As the Susan G. Komen For the Cure foundation built an army of  frumpier, more conservative boosters, they began to see that affiliation with the liberal vagina care-giant as a possible impediment to their successful cause-marketing campaigns.  After all, no one wants to think about an aborted baby when they are enjoying their strawberry cheesecake Yoplait Parfait.  Even though it kind of looks the same.

After gaining a new CEO receptive to right wing wooing,  Komen took swift steps to cut Planned Parenthood out of their fold like a tumor detected early,  apparently unconcerned with the thousands of low-income breast cancer cases that would go undetected as a result.

Komen is not concerned with the possible bad PR a Planned Parenthood organized protest would engender. “They probably won’t come. They are always making grand plans and then aborting them over there.”

Susan G. COME’ON!

A bitter feud is brewing that may force American woman to declare allegiance to either team boob or team vag. Komen spokes-survivor Sharon G. Ehlers thinks the choice is obvious. “Do you want to support the noble, pro-life breast? Or do you want to get in bed with a trashy, no-class pocket protector like Planned Parenthood? And if you declare allegiance to ladyparts, you will have to return any thing you own with the pink ribbon insignia on it. T-shirts, tote bags, bumper stickers, coffee cozies, all of it.”

Laura Soloman, who credits Planned Parenthood with giving her the education she needed to determine that her boyfriend was not continually getting crabs after hanging out at the beach, says that she and other Planned Parenthood devotees are making plans to protest outside Komen clinics later in the month.  “Luckily for us, our low income clientele have plenty of open time on their schedule they can fill with angry protests. It’s just too bad that the pro-life crowd have all the crazies on their side. We could use a few disgruntled snipers right about now.”

Sharon G. Ehlers is not concerned with the possible bad PR the protest would engender. “They probably won’t come. They are always making grand plans and then aborting them over there.”

Seattle-ites return to offices to face overflowing in-boxes

As Seattle went back to work this week, shame and regret have crept into the void left by a week of carefree snow days.

“When I got back to the office, I discovered that some of my co-workers hadn’t missed any work,” said Adobe employee Gail Banks. “I call them the white-out brow nosers.” Giving an example, Banks cited “that dick Evan in the cube next to mine.”

Banks and thousands like her are questioning their decisions to stay away from their jobs during the snow event. “I’m so far behind on my projects,” said Banks, “that it might actually be easier to go out and find a new job rather than dig myself out of this work avalanche. It doesn’t help that suck-ups like Evan keep reminding our supervisor that he came in every day last week. Stay classy, Evan. I live on a hill, okay?”

Reached for comment, Evan Travers responded, “Oh right, that massive hill Gail lives on… Great excuse except we have this thing called the internet. We googled her address and I think ‘gentle slope’ would be an exaggeration. Hope you enjoyed that nine day weekend, Gail!”

“It snowed? I didn’t notice, I was honoring the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King all week. It was a solemn, personal journey.” -Name Withheld

Some returning workers have avoided issue of the weather altogether. A paralegal who asked to remain nameless invoked the memory of an American legend. When greeting his coworkers on Monday, he said, “It snowed? I didn’t notice, I was honoring the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King all week. It was a solemn, personal journey.” When asked if his excuse was effective, he demurred. “It sorta worked, but now I feel like a total shitbag. And I have a hangover from watching pretty much all of Netflix.”

Dragon is at the top of the Zodiac Peking Order

For over a decade billions of Asians have been going through the motions, celebrating Chinese New Year as if it meant something. They have put on a brave front, drumming up token enthusiasm for Year of the Sheep and Year of the Ox. But everyone understands that there is one sign in the Chinese Zodiac that reigns supreme, and that is the motherfucking Dragon.  Revelers are ready to burn the fucking sky down to celebrate 2012’s return of this legendary sign.

2000 was the last Year of the Dragon – remember how awesome it was? Pre-911 and post-Playstation 2?

Thank you Chinese manufacturing. Thank you.

Dragons try to be humble when they are talking to other Zodiac characters. “Oh, you’re a rat? That’s cool,” a dragon might say. But then the direct and arrogant dragon would have to add, “Well, I’m a fucking dragon. I breathe fucking fire. Don’t get me wrong! The world needs someone to eat garbage and spread the plague, too. But don’t lose sight of reality. One of us here is a fucking dragon.”

Despite improbable aerodynamics, dragons can also fucking fly. 2011’s rabbit spent all year hiding in tall grass, whereas the dragon will fly to your side and do whatever it takes to make you forget your grudges and love your fucking family – including burning down villages and keeping attractive hostages until we turn our miserable human lives around!

Dragon Promises to “Make it Reign” in 2012

It’s been twelve years since the world has been allowed to enter the house of the dragon. This mighty predator with magical weaponry is here to usher in a year that will bring unimaginable wealth and health to everyone in the world! Finally! 2000 was the last Year of the Dragon – remember how awesome it was? Pre-911 and post-Playstation 2? That prosperity will be yours again if you bought enough fireworks and lanterns to show the noble, winged serpent that you really believe!

Mushu Approves This Message

If you want to celebrate the drake this evening but can’t make it down to the International District for the Lantern Festival, try making a paper-mache Chinese dragon costume that you can your family use to practice undulating dances! Or stuff tiny red envelopes full of cash and give them to your financial planner!  In our own deeply personal ways, we should all be freaking out about the return of the fucking DRAGON, baby.

Gay marriage would set our sex lives back 30 years.

Call marriage a “boner-killer.”

(Olympia) Only a few votes stand between gays and the right to marry in Washington State. The House of Representatives, packed with more gay legislators than a Morman choir, has the numbers to pass it today. But the Senate, always the legislative cock blockers, still needs to find a few “YES” votes before the Her-and-Her Subaru wedding gifts start rolling.

But the hold-outs are not the usual closeted Republican hypocrites who treat legislative sessions like spring break at Fire Island.

To the surprise of all, gay legislators are preventing the bill from passing.

Equality is in the queer -eye of the beholder

In a press conference under the rotunda, a group of three out-and-proud legislators and their partners explained their opposition. Senator Nathan Hughes, (D-Des Moines) said, “It is not that we wish to promote discrimination as much as we think marriage looks like a boner- killer. I love my boyfriend Daniel, but hell, even the dream of being able to run off with some random, smokin’ flight attendant named Sebastian keeps me happy in our relationship.”

I love my boyfriend Daniel, but hell, even the dream of being able to run off with some random, smokin’ flight attendant named Seabastian keeps me happy in our relationship.”

Senator Heather Landrum, (D-Bellingham) followed Hughes with, “Have we really thought this through? First we fought for the right to be drafted and die in combat. Now we want to be tied down for life with this so called ‘marriage equality’. What is next, a higher tax bracket for gays? No, the oppression ends right here.”

Equality is a dish best served in a cold bed

There is an equally fervent support for gay marriage amongst conservative, Republican legislators. House Minority Leader Sharon Olson told the Seattle Salmon, “If I am chained to my lazy, borderline village idiot of a husband for eternity because of marriage, it is only fair that gay couples get the same life-killing fun.”

"Equality is when we all suffer equally"

Senator Steven Yang, (R-Sammamish) said, “I’m tired of hearing how Nathan and Daniel jet off to the Palm Springs while I pinch pennies to put my kids through college. I’ll vote to inflict the same pain on them that I suffer every day. Go ahead, adopt some kids! See how it ruins your life! Now that is true equality.”

We call this our first child.

There is still time for the gay senators to change their vote, but as Senator Pete Bealer tweeted to constituents, “Keep telling me how great marriage is while Charles and I adopt shop for a new Audi A8 with the money you all spend on diapers.”

Total bullshit could paralyze the region

As a high pressure hype system approaches the Seattle area, the National Weather Service is reporting that six inches of bullshit could accumulate in the lowlands while up to a foot of dense, heavy horseshit will blanket the higher elevations.

TV weatherperson Monica Shields is making dire predictions. “This is a perfect storm. Just like that movie… I forget its name.” The Puget Sound Convergence Zone will bear the brunt of the coming hype blizzard.

“It’s going to be winter mayhem in the Convergence Zone,” said Shields. “My computer models are predicting a death toll in the low thousands. Time to find your mittens, everybody!”

Government officially joins the freakout

Mayor McGinn, remembering his predecessor’s slow response to an actual snow storm in 2008, has very publicly freaked the fuck out, ordering road crews to not only salt the roads, to but pepper them as well. “The people demand bold action,” said the Mayor. “And whatever the hell that means, I’m totally doing it.”

"There is enough salt and de-icer in the truck behind me to end life in Seattle as we know it."

Kids hoping for a snow job day will be disappointed. The layer of hot air that usually dominates western Washington in January is set to return by Tuesday and schools should be open.

]]> http://theseattlesalmon.com/local-news/winter-hype-storm-poised-to-strike-puget-sound/feed 0 http://theseattlesalmon.com/breaking-news/how-santorum-plans-to-punish-dan-savages-filthy-googlebomb http://theseattlesalmon.com/breaking-news/how-santorum-plans-to-punish-dan-savages-filthy-googlebomb#comments Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:02:37 +0000 admin http://theseattlesalmon.com/?p=9051

Hold still Dan, this will only hurt for an eternity of damnation.

Tired of the “Google-Terrorism,” candidate has plans to crucify Seattle based sex columnist when President

(New Hampshire) After years of internet searches defining his name as a byproduct of anal sex, presidential candidate Rick Santorum rammed back today.  At a freezing Epping, NH rally he vowed that, as President, he would have the man who created this redirection of his name in search engines put to death.  That man is Seattle’s sex advice columnist Dan Savage and Santorum wants him crucified, on the lawn of the White House.

At least you can be Saint Dan afterward

Justified, rational decision

“This is not about punishment,” said the irate candidate, “OK, maybe it is…but I am really tired of my name being attributed to an abomination like anal sex between two men, no matter how hot. The nanosecond after I take the oath of office, I am going to order one of our CIA hit squads to drag Savage to the White House lawn and nail him to a cross!”

The mostly evangelical crowd roared as they also simultaneously googled, “Santorum” on their smartphones to get an abrupt sex ed lesson.  Santorum closed the rally with the promise,

“a crucifixion at the White House will be the first step of many to get loving, Christian values back in our government!”

What a Fine Mess You Created

When reached for comment by the Seattle Salmon, Dan Savage seemed somewhat flattered by the attention of the former Pennsylvania Senator. “Crucified?  Really?  This may be the closest I have been to Catholicism in two decades.”

Getting ready to make some Santorum

Ever the advice giver, Savage also added that when making Santorum, it does not have to be two men.  “Heterosexual couples do this all the time.  Maybe if Rick would let his wife Karen try it on him, he’d loosen up a little.”

This is only the tip

After the rally, Santorum told Senior Salmon Correspondent Lori Cleveland that after Savage is hung from the cross, he is going to shut down Google, Bing, and Yahoo for allowing this mess.  “I plan to replace them with the Vatican’s family friendly search engine, Godle.com which only allows searches for Bible texts and images of altar boys.”

Michele Bachmann has dropped her bid for the Republican presidential nomination, citing a need to get back to performing full time with her band, Bachmann Turner Overdrive.

“I just wasn’t able to take care of business,” she told a dozen disappointed Iowan’s milling outside her kissing booth.

“God has changed his plan for me,” she reported to her fan. “Actually, he’s kind of a flip-flopper and I’m not sure I’d vote for anyone he endorses.”

Bachmann to Public: You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet

Self-Immolation

Short of self-immolation in New Hampshire, her campaign had run out of ideas.

She also complains that she and her definitely-not-gay husband often had to share a hotel room while on the campaign trail, which really grossed the both of them out.

Once BTO has returned from their tour of Canadian beer festivals, Bachmann says she will apply herself to sucking major caucus in congress.

Chinese officials straining to take new dictator seriously

The toughest diplomatic challenge in decades on Korean Peninsula

As the untested Kim Jong Un puts down his X Box controller and picks up the reins of power in North Korea, diplomats in China and Russia work late into the night to come with something, anything nice to say about the young dictator.

“Like it or not, North Korea is our ally,” said an exhausted looking Lin Meng-shu of China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs.  He rubbed his temples, stared into the distance and explained, “You can’t just walk up to Kim Jong Un and say, ’So, you’re the twentysomething turd with a million-man army and nuclear weapons. What kind of batshit bananas bullshit have you got up your sleeve?’ You WANT to say it, but you can’t. And that’s one of the reasons why they pay us so well.”

Lin: "Pretending Kim Jong-Un is a talented leader is hard work. Hard-ass work, comrade."

Officials in Moscow were similarly vexed. Oleg Kusnetsov, a specialist in the Ministry of Propping up Foreign Regimes to Annoy America felt that welcoming Kim Jong Un would be his greatest challenge. “He knows he is fraud. We know he is fraud. Where do you start? Should I ask him if there is any girls in his class that he likes? Perhaps I offer him new motor scooter.”

Back in Beijing, Lin brainstormed ideas with a colleague. “Maybe I’ll say to him, ‘You have the dead eyes and uniform belly fat of a natural leader.’ What do you think?”

Lin’s colleague countered, “ Too personal. Just compliment him on his Pokemon collection. Or tell him you liked him in From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. That movie was badass.”

Before leading North Korea, Kim Jong-Un had a role in Quentin Tarantino's From Dusk Til Dawn

Vows to appear on Ellen in swimsuit to show off “bangin’ bikini body”

Santa Claus called a press conference on Tuesday to announce that he will become the newest Jenny Craig spokesperson in 2012. Santa is so confident in his ability to meet his weight loss goals he will appear on TV’s Ellen to show off his “Bangin Bikini Body” as early as next May.

“For me, this is not just about a diet, it’s about living another 500 years. I have millions of children depending on me, and this is the third Christmas in a row I’ve skipped Australia because I passed out from a diabetic coma after an ice coffee stop in Thailand.”

A little less of this...

Not always so jolly

Santa expounded on the problems his obesity has caused in his life. “Most of my Ho Ho Ho’ing has been a product of my sleep apnea. Ms. Claus has been nagging me about my health for decades, but it wasn’t until tests revealed a massive cookie dough blockage in my colon that I realized how destructive my habits have become,” Santa lamented.

“But I can’t do this alone. In fact, I have Valerie Bertinelli inside this gift sack right now.  She’s going to be my personal Jenny coach as soon as she stops overreacting.” Santa went on to kick the writhing sack with his black boot several times.

A goal in mind

Santa blames his sedentary lifestyle and high fat reindeer meat for his rapid weight gain. He hopes the potential public humiliation of appearing fat on a show for down low lesbians will help him remain focused on his diet and fitness regime.  When asked why a bikini, Santa replied demurred that he will be looking for something vintage, with lots of coverage, and perhaps a matching sarong. As a secular folk lore hero, “he has a reputation to maintain.”

...and a little more of this. (Artist's Concept)

Santa has already put his elves to work developing a recumbent sleigh and converting  the x-box assembly line into a ballroom where he can practice for his potential stint on “Dancing with the Stars.”