Category archives for: Featured Stories

The Seattle Salmon Endorses Comcast to be the Next Seattle Mayor

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Proven record of shitting on customers, buying elections, and providing “Game of Thrones” struck a chord with us (The Sloop) Initially, the Seattle Salmon Editorial Board (SOAR) was going to forgo any endorsements in the Seattle mayor’s race for two reasons: A) We have never been able to vote due to an unfortunate felony that [...]

Top 10 reasons Amanda Knox won’t be returning to Italy for trial

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Without further blib-blab, here is the list of the top ten reasons Amanda Knox won’t be returning to Italy for her murder trial. Italian food makes her homicidal. Had to stay for the Breaking Bad finale. She’s got a line on a really good supply of amyl nitrate at the moment. She doesn’t need another [...]

Chamber and Times Launch New Tourism Campaign: Fuck Downtown 2013!

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Westlake Park-Today the Seattle Time’s publisher and suburbanista Frank “The Tank” Blethen joined the Chamber’s CEO Maud “Don’t-Give-Me-A-Goddam-Nickname” Daudon to announce a new tourism campaign called, “Fuck Downtown 2013.” The heart of this plan is to undermine Mayor McGinn’s reelection efforts by, according to Blethen, “making our downtown seem more dangerous than Damascus during a [...]

Vin Baker enters final year of Sonics contract, McIlvaine still has three years to go

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Seatac, WA–While the dust cloud created by the rapid departure of the Seattle Sonics has long since settled, amazingly, two NBA players are still under contract: Vin Baker and Jim McIlvaine. “We admit that the Vin Baker deal was a bad bit of business,” said former Sonics majority owner and Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, adding, [...]

Mayor McGinn Promises to “Not Be Such a Dick” if Re-elected

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  Will change “assholish ways” completely should Election Day go his way (City Hall)-In a press conference today, Mayor Mike McGinn promised that if re-elected, he would not be such a “dick,” in his second term. Bringing up past fights with the Mariner Moose, the Museum of History and Industry, and Council President Richard Conlin, [...]

Seattle unemployment rate stuck at 4%: All the hotties have been hired

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Seattle, WA–The local job market has never been uglier. While Seattle possesses one of the lowest jobless rates in the nation, all the physically attractive job seekers have either been hired or have married a Microsoft executive. The remaining pool of people available for work in Seattle are so physically repulsive that they are effectively [...]

Ed Murray Auctions Off His Last Body Part Not Already Sold to Corporations

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Murray says citizens are best served when Corporations buy elected officials before they take office Seattle, WA, Downtown–At his campaign headquarters, decorated with Italian marble, mayoral candidate Ed Murray announced he would auction off his last remaining body part not currently pledged to a corporation. “Most of my body has already been sold to corporations [...]

Whole Foods pays employees a living wage: “They just can’t shop here.”

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Aging, grunge-era rockers and Amanda Knox will have to wait a little longer to buy grass-fed, Kobe beef and artisanal hand soaps in West Seattle. Seattle, WA–It’s gettin’ real in the proposed Whole Foods parking lot in West Seattle. Construction of the new store on Fauntleroy Way hit a snag, after Mayor McGinn suggested that the [...]

Tunnel-boring machine could destablize super villain secret lair

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Seattle, WA–As the Highway 99 tunnel machine begins boring its way through the rock, sludge and poopy underside of downtown Seattle, Seattle super villains say that the planned tunnel could destroy their secret underground lair. “Drat! We were only weeks away from completing our doomsday device. These delays will set us back years,” bemoaned former [...]

Rare breed of flightless gull discovered at Ivar’s Fish Bar

New breed of flightless seagull discovered at Ivar's Fish Bar

Seattle, WA–A rare breed of flightless seagull, Laridae Obesus, weighing up to 40 lbs, was recently discovered downtown Seattle languishing on the waterfront. “They seem to only be inhabiting certain portions of Pier 54, specifically, under the picnic tables at Ivar’s Fish Bar,” said self-described “bird nerd” and President of the Cascade Ornithological Society, Meg [...]

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