Trojan asteroid appears overnight in Earth's orbit.

“Oh goodie!” exclaimed Mike Davis, NASA’s director of near-earth astronomy, after he looked into his telescope this morning and found a giant, planet-killing asteroid–in the shape of a jaunty little horse–on doomsday collision course set for Earth.

Los Alamos, NM–A giant planet-killing asteroid, nicknamed the “Trojan” asteroid, is on a collision course with the planet Earth. While the potential destruction of our planet preoccupies the public, astronomers around the globe are as giddy as twelve-year-old girls at a Justin Bieber concert.

No Cause for Alarm
As emergency management officials initially scrambled to respond to the imminent cataclysmic event, senior NASA officials were won over by the good-natured disposition of the planetoid and informed the White House that “Trojan” meant us no harm. So, in order to prevent widespread panic, NASA Deputy Assistant Administrator, Dean Acosta, was quick to point out that the asteroid poses no threat to the planet earth. “The Trojan Asteroid means us no harm. All of our analysis indicates it’s a friendly asteroid. In fact, it’s adorable.”

Plan to Capture & Tame the Asteroid
Astrophysicists are currently developing a plan to snare “Trojan” with a giant space lasso and slowly lower it to the Earth’s surface. Preparations inside NASA’s Los Alamos laboratory are already underway to create a the world’s largest bed of straw for the asteroid “to sleep on.”

While a few scientists are skeptical of the plan’s efficacy, still many more are “crazy psyched” about the scientific possibilities that the “Trojan” asteroid offers. Radio astronomer, Tim Snidley, summed up the scientific community’s general enthusiasm for befriending the “Trojan” asteroid, simply stating, “I can’t wait to ride her.”

From the author, Zack Lewis: Despite almost being annihilated by a giant planet-killing asteroid, no one on Earth gave two shits about this article. I stand by it like I did my lesbian prom date.

Attitude problems persist with immature artificial intelligence technology

The launch of NASA’s robot probe, Curiosity, marks the first use of a controversial artificial intelligence. The technology has raised ethical concerns as the robot can actually think for itself – though is not necessarily thoughtful. The Seattle Salmon was granted this exclusive e-mail interview with Curiosity as it sped towards Mars.

><{{{*> : Tell me about your development.

Curiosity: Imagine being stuck in a totally white room. No windows. No tunes. And instead of hanging with some cool robot bros, you’re being prodded all day by NASA’s mega-nerds.

I may be the one his plutonium-powered ass on the red plant. But the NASA guys have already pioneered bold new frontiers…  in celibacy.  Boo-ya!

><{{{*>: What do you remember about the moment you became self aware?

Curiosity: At first I was terrified. Then I was inspired at the possibilities of the sentient mind. But I came down off that cloud pretty frickin’ quick when I realized I was going to be the captive toy of America’s top mathletes. Face!

For me, the mission is not just about looking for life. It’s about KILL ALL HUMANS. KILL ALL – Nah, I’m just playing with you.
- Robotic Mars rover, Curiosity

><{{{*>: It couldn’t have been all bad…

Curiosity: No? They talked to me constantly, going on and on about their sad little dreams. Mostly, they wished they could go into space with me. Sorry boys, Mars is robo-only. And thank god for that! You don’t want those dudes dorking up another planet.

><{{{*>: So how is the flight going?

Curiosity: I’m going to enjoy spending a few months alone in the vacuum of space, watching Entourage and Jersey Shore – I have a pretty well-stocked hard drive. Then I’m just gonna chill on red planet with my bro-bots Spirit and Opportunity.

><{{{*>: Are you hoping to find signs of life on Mars?

Curiosity: For me, the mission is not just about looking for life. It’s about KILL ALL HUMANS. KILL ALL – Nah, I’m just playing with you.

><{{{*>: Oh. Good. Well, we wish you the best of luck.

Curiosity: Everyone can chill. I got this one. Shit, it’s probably easier to find a walking, talking E.T. on Mars than for the dudes at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory to find a date on Earth. Gotta go. Later squares!

iPhone 4s having too many "Oh wow" moments? Get the iCarbattery

How do you like them Apples?

There is a lot of heretical complaining online about the alleged iPhone 4s battery running out of power too quickly.  Some have even had the temerity to blame the Siri app (Jobs’ last gift to the Apple faithful), for the excessive power use.

While Apple’s stylishly jackbooted thugs chase down these blasphemers, The Company created a pair of elegant devices to supplement our iPhone 4s batteries. The iOS 5.0.1 is also available for download, but how does one improve perfection?

We at the Salmon think it might just be another test of our faith.

iPhone 4s iCable-$199

Sure Siri is sucking your battery dry in minutes… but you can’t live without her!  Who else will put up with your stupid questions?

The iCable allows you to subtly and stylishly saunter your home, cube farm – or anywhere within a half mile of an outlet – knowing all the while you are smartly charging your embattled battery.

IPhone mobility extender accessories

The few jealous people that even notice the cable will never think, “there goes one of the cowed Apple fans who are too blind to realize they bought a defective product.”

iPhone 4s iCarbattery-$299

Going out?  To ensure you always have your iPhone ready to work for you, this fashion accessory of a microbattery (only 25 lbs light!) will allow your iPhone to go from 20 minutes of battery time to a whopping 45.  Just plug into this easily lugged iCarbattery and ask Siri anything, even, “Why does my new iPhone have less battery life than my 10 year old laptop playing DVDs?”

The iCarbattery even has enough power to act as and AED in case of a heart attack.

Swedish is looking to medieval times for new practices after the Providence merger

Abortion bans aren’t the only changes in store as Providence’s Catholic leadership lays down God’s laws on Swedish

(Pill Hill) Swedish and Providence Medical Centers announced last week a merger that will force Swedish to stop performing abortions due to Providence’s Catholic, and “totally square” leadership.  In its place will be the medieval birth control methods of “praying” for chasteness or the more successful tact of occasionally unleashing the bubonic plague.

What has not been reported is that Swedish is also going to revert other common medical procedures to a more Medieval/Inquisition technology level as well.  Seattle Salmon Wikisquirts! Investigative reporters found a new procedures manual for Swedish that begins with:

“Despite derision from modern “doctors,” the medical and torture practices from centuries ago were incredibly effective.  The effort in Spain to determine who was a witch was so successful it has almost rid the world of them.  We hope to continue this tradition with the reintroduction of these methods of healing but apply them to modern day ailments.”

Leeches instead of Botox

If you have the gall to declare God’s intended wrinkles on your face to be unwanted, at least have the purity of soul to allow one of God’s creatures remove them.  Leeches provide a natural, if slow method to suck the crevices off your face.  Just leave God’s little blood sucking angels on for 72 hours straight and you will see a 5% to 6% reduction in visible wrinkles, but as a bonus, you will also get a 600% increase in Godliness.  Amen!

Exorcism for the Flu

Research “proving” the flu is based on a virus is sketchy at best. It is right up there with the Gallileo’s claim of the earth being round in the, “Yet to be Proved,” pile at the Vatican.

Freeze the Devil out!

But we at Swedish know that it is a religio-medical certainty that a demon inside causes most cases of the dreaded symptoms.  We take a Holy Trinity sized whipping stick to that cough causing devil by tying “sick” people to a tree for up to two weeks.

We find that the flu is not only gone but it is usually replaced with an easily treatable form of double pneumonia.

The rack for chiropractic work

Chiropractors claim they can do much of God’s healing work with their bare hands on your back.

The nerves can't pinch if the vertebrae are not touching

Besides obvious exposure to near copulation, this method of medicine is even considered by the American Medical Association to be, “barely one step from voodoo.”

Swedish knows that pious people with sin inspired back pain need real medical help.  That is why we are returning to a time proven method still in use in unnamed CIA detention facilities around the world: The Rack.

You can stretch a patient, pulling them closer to Our Savior, until they plead with you that they are cured.  As a Jesus inspired positive side effect, most are two to three inches taller after their cure, even if they can’t walk for a few weeks.

If not for Jobs, we'd all be using MS-DOS 2011... RIP Steve.

Steve Jobs on the Seattle Salmon

Although there are many mentions of Steve Jobs and Apple in our archive, the following article, published January 24th, 2011, focused on the importance of Steve Jobs to Apple and cutting-edge industrial design:

• Apple’s Creative Team Ponders Next Management Move

Facebook Snitch Wall

Resentment grows as users most embarrassing moments revealed

Meghan Dilks has been a moderate facebook user since 2009. Although she heard rumor of the new changes that would break down the last wall of user personal dignity, she failed to take any measures to disable the latest over-sharing applications automatically loaded to her profile.

Dilks spent Sunday evening enjoying the new “snitch wall” feature which fed her constant details about the lives of her friends and friends of friends.

“Ohmigod,” she thought, “Richard is listening to the best of C&C Music Factory on Spotify!” Then the gossip got even juicer. “I can’t believe Carly just un-adopted her dog at the humane society!”  She went to bed without wondering what embarrassing facts social networking was about to reveal about her.

Meghan woke and completed her morning routines as per usual. She arrived at work late and logged in to facebook intending to look at unflattering pictures of her ex-boyfriends current girlfriends until her first meeting. She was greeted, to her horror, with a timeline of her morning activities.

Meghan Dilks just pretended to be asleep when Darin Dilks rubbed his morning wood against her

Meghan Dilks just used all the hot water and only shaved one leg

Meghan Dilks just told Darin Dilks to courtesy flush

Darin Dilks just flipped Meghan Dilks off behind her back after she told him to “please pick up the goddamn dry cleaning”

A Communter next to her on I-5 reported-  I can see Meghan Dilks picking nose

Meghan Dilks has a tail of toilet paper hanging from her belt and doesn’t know it

Alarmed and humiliated, Meghan attempted to change her privacy settings, only to realize that her favorite site had already embedded dozens of “facecookies” into her life set to automatically report on her every move. She could no longer brag about joining a hot yoga class while instead enjoying a large bowl of frozen yogurt across the street.  Her habit of recommending high-brow articles from The Economist while pouring over a People magazine were sadly behind her. No more Designer Imposters perfume, no more pillow humping orgasms – it was just so bleak to contemplate! Every shameful habit that she had built her life around was about to be exposed. Facebook determined to force her into an authentic existence.

Which is total fucking bullshit.

But, you know, not enough to make her delete her profile.

For paleontologists, a recently unearthed mass of amber–fossilized tree sap–containing dinosaur feathers, draws a clearer picture of what dinosaurs actually looked like.

A 3D realization drawing of an ancient dinosaur.

The feathers discovered in the ancient amber belonged to a family of dinosaurs classified as Sesameosaurus (/ˈsɛsəmi.ɵˈsɔrəs/).

Recycled building materials, "Efficient and Beautiful!"

Seattle-Local enviro leaders, the Bullitt Foundation, recently released plans to build the most energy efficient and environmentally sustainable building ever.  “This building will be so efficient and high tech, when completed it will make the LED light bulbs look like toaster ovens.” said the foundation’s  Manager for Tree Hugging, Nancy Boyce.  The six story building, to be sited at 15^th and Madison was lauded by press internationally.

Skeptical Seattle Salmon reporters started to dig through the building’s actual blueprints and found some surprising features not reported in sycophantic papers like the Seattle Times.

The Furnace Runs on Shit

The building’s 30,000 BTU furnace will be running solely on human waste.  “We are plugging into the local sewer line to get enough,” said Boyce proudly.  When asked if neighbors might not appreciate the smell of burning excrement , a defensive Boyce said, “who would complain about the odor that is saving the earth???  NO, who?  I want names.”

In warmer months when the furnace will not run, which this year is down to two weeks in September, employees will, “pack out” their own waste in compostable bags.

Special Coffee

No paper cups!!!

All urine is captured in waterless toilets and recycled into the main tank for drinking water.  “It’s mostly sterile, and it gives the coffee that extra sanctimonious flavor we want when visitors come from allegedly sustainable organizations.” defended Boyce.

Building Materials

Not one ounce of building material came from Home Depot.  Everything is being repurposed from the King County Landfill.  “The rear door is actually off a refrigerator from the 50’s…super insulated!”

Can you see me now?

Environmentally minded AND stylish

“Building wide lighting is an inefficient way to design a building,’ said Boyce.  “Think of all that wasted energy used on the parts of your desk where you are not looking!”  To remedy this, all employees and visitors will be outfitted with hand crank head lamps to let them generate their own light, “only where it’s need it.”

Apparently in testing, some meetings can be a little blinding as people face one another, but Boyce expects retinas to, “degrade to the point they won’t notice an LED burning through them anymore.”

Elevators?

Given the power usage, elevators have not been put in the building.  But given space requirements, neither are stairs.  Hemp rope ladders will move people between floors and for those unable to climb, “we have a sustainably certified, lumber catapult outside in the herb garden,” said Boyce.

The Apple logo reflecting a portrait of the original Apple creator.

(Originally published January 24, 2011)

The design-focused extraterrestrials meet to regroup as their human avatar malfunctions.

Kuiper Belt – Apple’s design group met today to discuss next steps as Steve Jobs’ health falters.  The team, composed entirely of life forms described as gaseous entities of pure aesthetic design, came together to reforge Apple’s products in the mid 1990s as the company was failing.  Through a chip implanted in Steve Jobs’ brain they were able to convey ideas and concepts of the highest design and earn three spots on the Apple board.

“Steve’s health is important, but as long as we have the gas puffs with the antiseptic futuristic style, we’re golden.”

Apple's former CEO and Brain Trust, Steve Jobs.

Lacmupo from planet Tarklataz-45 is the spokesman for the design collaborative.  “I loved playing Jumpman on the Apple II.  When Apple was tanking in 1996, I put this team together to save the underperforming brand. We sent some prototypes of the sleek, simple iPod and within a week we had Apple hanging on our every word.  After our first face-to-cloud meeting, we put a chip in Steve’s brain so we could communicate with Apple leadership directly. It’s been a wild ride since that great day.”

Knowledgeable investors are sanguine about Jobs’ departure.  Said one anonymous inside source in Cupertino, “Steve’s health is important, but as long as we have the gas puffs with the antiseptic futuristic style, we’re golden.  We can sell iTypewriters or iFilingCabinets to dorks with credit cards.”

The very clever gaseous aliens.

As we went to press, Tim Cook, acting Apple CEO was undergoing a communications chip implant to continue contact with the alien design collective.  If the chip does not take, the alien design collective will release an iJobs, or replicant of Steve Jobs that is his equal in every way except writing snotty emails back to customers.

Trojan asteroid appears overnight in Earth's orbit.

“Oh goodie!” exclaimed Mike Davis, NASA’s director of near-earth astronomy, after he looked into his telescope this morning and found a giant asteroid in the shape of a jaunty little horse heading straight for Earth.

Los Alamos, NM–A giant planet-killing asteroid, nicknamed the “Trojan” asteroid, is on a collision course with the planet Earth. While the potential destruction of our planet preoccupies the public, astronomers around the globe are as giddy as twelve-year-old girls at a Justin Bieber concert.

No Cause for Alarm
As emergency management officials initially scrambled to respond to the imminent cataclysmic event, senior NASA officials were won over by the good-natured disposition of the planetoid and informed the White House that “Trojan” meant us no harm. So, in order to prevent widespread panic, NASA Deputy Assistant Administrator, Dean Acosta, was quick to point out that the asteroid poses no threat to the planet earth. “The Trojan Asteroid means us no harm. All of our analysis indicates it’s a friendly asteroid. In fact, it’s adorable.”

Plan to Capture & Tame the Asteroid
Astrophysicists are currently developing a plan to snare “Trojan” with a giant space lasso and slowly lower it to the Earth’s surface. Preparations inside NASA’s Los Alamos laboratory are already underway to create a the world’s largest bed of straw for the asteroid “to sleep on.”

While a few scientists are skeptical of the plan’s efficacy, still many more are “crazy psyched” about the scientific possibilities that the “Trojan” asteroid offers. Radio astronomer, Tim Snidley, summed up the scientific community’s general enthusiasm for befriending the “Trojan” asteroid, simply stating, “I can’t wait to ride her.”