This image was taken using a $689 camera. Note the lack of composition, uninspired aperture settings and the giant fingertip in upper right corner.

On Friday evening, a gorgeous sunset delivered a stunning upset to thousands of self-styled photographers. While nearly every Seattle-ite owns a professional-grade SLR camera, over 95 percent of the pictures of yesterday’s maginifcent light show were, in the words of one UW art professor, “extremely crappy.”

I just don’t get it, I turned the wheelie knob on top of the camera to the little sunset thingy! – Tyler Burke, local “photographer”

Noah Franks, who has taught photography for over 40 years explains: “It’s called TMC-syndrome. Too much camera. Most folks really only need a little point-and-shoot, or the camera on their phone. But once you’ve plonked down over $600 for an SLR and started calling yourself a photographer… well, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.”

And disappointment was on display across Puget Sound. “The sky was glowing iridescent copper pink,” said Amber Martinez. “It was breathtaking. Why does my picture looks like a pink blob?”

Tyler Burke was similarly stunned by the lack of quality. “I just don’t get it,” he said. “I turned the wheelie knob on top of the camera to the little sunset thingy! I think this camera’s broken.”

What the fuck does all this shit mean?

"What is with all this white?"

“You know what I hate? All this white marble and cloud…would a little color kill ya?”

PEARLY GATES – He is not pleased.  No, not Him, but Andy Rooney.  After passing away Saturday at the age of 92, Rooney has been complaining about Heaven since the moment he arrived.  Even before entering the gates, Rooney chatted up Matty Alou, the recently passed 1970s Pittsburgh Pirate slugger.  The 60 Minutes commentator decried the lack of baseball parks and cheap beer.  “How can a God of love put so much effort into pearl encrusted gates and neglect to build a simple baseball field?”

St. Peter was not amused.  “It had already been a long day with a 30 car pile up and then, over the din, I hear this cracking voice complaining about Heaven….HEAVEN!  Good Lord, this place was built to be perfect and I see Andy Rooney’s out their bitching before he even gets in.  I thought about sending him down, but after Jobs fixed up Hell, I am done reinforcing that place.”

Damn Goddit

Once through the gates, Rooney found a strange sensation on his back.  “What the heck is on me?!”  He reached around and brought back a handful of feathers.  “Wings?  What the heck and I going to do with wings.  My feet work just fine thank you.”  With that, Andy began to walk, or really hover, from cloud to cloud, as other angels sloooowly flew passed him, glaring.

It was not long before God began to get reports.  A line of angles snaked its way to the throne to report the new soul yelling at harp players. “He told me to ‘cool it’ with the harp.” Reached for comment, Rooney’s soul responded,
“What’s wrong with a nice bit of jazz piano?”

God called an old friend, Lucifer.

Hell Help Us

Knowing that the Devil was a huge 60 Minutes fan, God traded a few souls to buy Rooney a seat at the Prince of Lies’ weekly poker game. “This oughta make Rooney a little more manageable,” sayeth the Lord.  “And if he continues to behave,” said The Almighty, “we’ll get him a big desk full of substandard office supplies he can whine about. You gotta admit, he’s pretty cute.”

The Rogue, coming soon to a beatnik cafe near you.

Cock and cocaine binges endear her to the voting public

Sarah Palin and her political props family have been anxiously awaiting the release of The Rogue*, an unauthorized biography which casts the ex-governor in the most unflattering light since the last tell-all book about her. The book purports Palin to take great pleasure in cocaine, revenge, and giant cock. And who among us doesn’t?

The hostile intent of the author has utterly backfired. Modern American popular culture worships at the altar of scandal and depraved sexuality. We like her so much better now!

Introducing the kinder more liberal-friendly Sarah Palin.

Palin to Push Her Demographic Appeal, Push it Real Good!

Ever the savvy politician, Palin is already capitalizing on the popularity of her loose morals. She has gained foothold among women 18 -42 who demand a large beef whistle. Palin also set about wooing the critical older voter demographic. At a benefit last night, Palin was seen cozying up to elderly sex symbol Betty White.

“She told me she’s a total cotton muncher,” White confessed, looking confused and excited after the exchange. “She’s going to call me later…after she and Mario Lopez drop some acid and go naked skydiving in tandem.”

Rob Schnedier is 1/4 filipino?

Having never been big with Asian voters, Palin is sending out feelers to see if anyone other than Gary Locke might be willing to give her a taste of their eggroll. Jackie Chan is at the top of her list, but Rob Schneider (1/4 Filipino?!) will do in a pinch. Finding a Russian lover should be easy, after all she can see them from her house.

Americans knew Palin was a narcissistic moron, but we didn’t know that she was so awesomely Kardashian about it. Palin’s only worry is that her new open lifestyle will scare away the unhappily married white people who have formed her base for so many years. But, then, they have proven themselves so blindly infatuated with “Mama Grizzly”, that they’ll probably dismiss all the unsavory gossip as another smear campaign from the “lamestream” liberal media.

 *We at the Salmon thought, “The Rouge,” would be a more appropriate title.

Chaz Bono like his Grilled BLT with extra extra 'T'... and a little 'P'.

Producers led Grace to believe she was the only woman with a penis cast this season

When Nancy Grace inked her contract to appear on the latest season of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars, she did so with the belief that she would have the transgender vote sewn up.  Grace has been doing her impression of a female on her HLN legal persecution show since 2005.

Are they ready for the coming "Fit of Grace?"

Her caricature of femininity earned her the devotion of drag queens and people who don’t believe in due process, alike. This carefully laid groundwork was aimed at delivering LGBT and conservative housewife votes when she steps onto the parquet this fall. However, she did not count on the dark horse; second generation gay icon Chaz Bono.

Ask anyone, Chaz Bono has it going on

The once adorable offspring of Cher and Sonny Bono has blossomed into a sexy beast of plus sized transsexual. On one hand he looks as soft and harmless as a chubby baby. You just want to pinch him and carry him around in a sling! But below the surface, complicated sexual currents swirl.  Just the thought of cuddling with him seems somehow sexually dirty, in the best possible way. He is adored by the transgender community, who have called him their “Ellen”.

Grace fears American housewives will be drawn to Bono, too.  She worries that the mass appeal of her nemesis will overwhelm her loyal Casey Anthony lynch mob, tempting them to switch teams.  Especially if Chaz Bono outpaces her in the transformative weight loss department.

No more Pasta Doble

Pushing it all in, while pulling out all the stops

Grace knows she can lure back her trans peeps by making some of her signature irrelevant statements like “Call me crazy, Tom, but when a giant woman wearing a Carmen Miranda costume is belittled for her Adam’s apple and not allowed to adopt a set of twin babies from Tibet with her loving partner of four years, I’m just not sure that my little footwork flub really matters.”

But if it comes down to it, Grace is not above planting some hard evidence in Bono’s dressing room to implicate him in the disappearance of a local co-ed. Or maybe fellow contestant Kristen Cavalarri, who is just begging to be shoved into a trunk and taken to a mountain cabin.

One-upsmanship turns to one-offsmanship

Despite pressure from succubus spouses, many husbands from the Bravo Series’ Real Housewives of (insert rich community) continue to choose life. The blessed peace of nothingness was too much of a temptation for Russell Armstrong, husband of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong, who hanged himself on Monday. Other housewives are now suffering the agony of watching Taylor Armstrong’s Collagen plumped lips tremble on national TV as she tells of her surgically enhanced sorrow.

Housewife Kyle Richards is already grinding her teeth over the unfair advantage, “I’ve worked for everything I have. Taylor just has a stroke of luck and suddenly she’s got ten minutes on Inside Edition. It’s like everyone has totally forgotten that Paris Hilton is my niece!”

Kelsey Grammar on Suicide Watch

Grammar on suicide watch

Camille Grammar is said to be putting the screws to ex-husband Kelsey Grammar in hopes of a similar outcome. Her assistant verified she has gone from three screaming messages on his voicemail a day to a baker’s dozen. She is currently shopping a new show concept called “Real Widows of Beverly Hills” to both Bravo and A&E. “She knows she can drive him there,”" said rep Erin Hinkley. “He spent 1996 and 2004 on the brink, literally combing his hair with a handgun. If this series gets picked up, it’s not going to be a problem.”

Meanwhile, the Bravo film crew is preparing to film the Armstrong funeral as the season finale.  The cameramen wearing poncho’s will be stationed near the corpse to capture the action – it is assumed Taylor will want to throw a glass of red wine in face of the deceased at some point during her chest beating tirade about time she spent loving a man who cut his life, and her alimony payments, short.

Stiff confused for “stiff”

Cast mate Adrienne Maloof phoned in a frantic call to 9-1-1 on Wednesday to summon coroners for her husband Dr. Paul Nassif, whom she assumed dead when she showed him her visa bill and did not see his face contort into a silent scream. When medics arrived they determined recent Botox injections and Sportscenter to be the true cause of his paralysis. Since, Adrienne has been thrust into the type of depression that can only be cured by a black tie event. Dana Wilkey, party planner and friend to the Real Housewives, is pulling the event together to rescue her.

Kim Zoliac of the Real Housewives of Altanta could only scoff at the silliness, “These women are amateurs, if I had a husband, he’d be dead by now.”

Bert and Ernie in unhappier days

Under the intense scrutity of the last few day’s coverage, Bert and Ernie’s relationship begins to reveal cracks

Sesame Street-Gay marriage advocates fear they may have rushed their endorsement of the union of  Sesame Street couple Bert and Ernie after an ugly domestic violence incident over the weekend. A petition had been gaining signatures on the internet asking that the two be united in holy matrimony; however organizers now fear they backed a severely dysfunctional couple.

Same-Sex Sesame Street Scandal

Officers were dispatched to 123 Sesame Street early Sunday morning after a concerned Mr. Hooper phoned in a report of a disturbance. They arrived to see a chain smoking Bert pacing the fire escape, white “muppetbeater” undershirt torn and ranting insensibly.

When questioned, Bert began urging his beloved pigeons to attack, forcing officers to handcuff him for his own safety. Investigators noted scraped knuckles with bits of black synthetic hair matted into the lacerations. They questioned Burt about the location of his loveable partner Ernie, but he would only repeat, “Daddy didn’t want to hurt you… you gave him no choice!”

Sesame Street in happier times...

After a search of the cozy apartment, officers finally located a long metal box concealed beneath one of the twin beds. Inside they could hear someone tearfully crooning a song to “rubber ducky”. They liberated a battered, trembling Ernie and rushed him to a domestic violence shelter for puppets.

Patterns of a Sociopath

Typical of victims, Ernie was mum on what had actually transpired, but Sesame snitches began to come forward to report on strange happenings on the block.  Looking back, it seems even more sinister. It was shortly after meeting his partner Ernie started wearing the long sleeved turtle neck each day.

Those fighting for marriage equality find themselves glad that the Sesame street powers-that-be forbade the marriage early earlier in the week. This act of intolerance may have saved them a serious set-back as LGBT fight for their rights to a wedding party. Intended to teach tolerance of homosexuality, the hasty puppet marriage may have instead discouraged victims of same sex domestic violence from ruining the “fairy tale romance” of a legal wedding.

"Bert just needs a break, man."

The Other Side

Bert is not without supporters though. Big Bird, a notorious chicken head, says that the real Bert would never have hurt Ernie. It’s only since he began hanging out with the Cookie Coke Monster that he started displaying paranoia and violent tendencies. He believes that, with therapy and AA meetings, Bert can rediscover the mild mannered, boring personality that made Ernie fall in love with him.

Deng-al Tiger bringing the PAIN!

The true form of the “Deng-al Tiger” finally showed her fangs in public

Parliment-With Ruppert Murdoch’s News Corporation Empire on shaky ground, his wife has emerged from the back ground as a powerful defender of the rich and frail.  After attacking a would be pie-thrower at a press conference recently, Wendi Deng Murdoch received an offer to join the elite ranks of MMA fighters.  

Enter: “The Deng-al Tiger”

A born striker, Deng honed her skills as a volleyball player in China before using a pile of husbands (both hers and other women’s) to climb out of her country and become an American citizen. She placed a submission hold on the viagra pickled heart and packed wallet of elderly Murdoch nearly a decade ago and has been giving him the ground and pound ever since.

Her brutality is well documented, as evidenced by her lightening fast attack at a press conference last week. Not bothering to check the vitals of her pie-bruised husband, Deng threw elbows, kicks, and Chinese throwing stars at the pie wielding assailant, then grappled him into a submission hold in less than forty-five seconds.

Though Deng is still considering the offer to fight professionally, she has been seen enjoying dim sum with Chuck Liddell and frequenting a gym, developing a new style she calls “cream and scream”. A gym insider reports that while practicing her trademark “chiffon slap” she is often overheard muttering “Gina Carano, I’m gonna meringue your ass.”

McGinn & Kutcher fighting prostitution

The Mayor and Ashton Kutcher’s efforts to block child prostitution ads on backpage.com are uncovering new opponents in the Halls of Power

Olympia-Things are noticeably tense around Olympia in the wake of Mayor Mike McGinn’s denouncement of Seattle Weekly’s backpage.com as an underage prostitution accelerant. Many long time state politicians are complaining that the mayoral cock block will cost them valuable hours as they scramble to find new sources for casual encounters if the website’s “escorts” section is closed.

McGinn’s strong stance against child prostitution emerged after a long weekend investigating the issue alongside someone who was a victim of underage overexposure himself, celebrity child sex symbol, Ashton Kutcher.

“At first we thought his collaboration with Ashton Kutcher was harmless. Embarrassing, but harmless,” said one anonymous Olympia insider. “But now, I honestly think he’d shave off his eyebrows if Kutcher suggested it, let alone take down this Godsend of a website.”

Mayor’s Kooz-sade Making Him Unpopular with Local Politicians…and Wives

A lobbyist for the oil industry worried that if things get any worse he might be forced to turn to his own wife for sexual favors. “I don’t want that. She doesn’t want that. Nobody wants that.” He hopes the mayor and the Seattle Weekly can come to terms soon before the humiliating events of his honeymoon are repeated.

“I have found some of my finest ‘interns’ on backpage.com,” defended one Olympia lawmaker. “I don’t have time to keep my Outlook contacts up to date, now I have to keep track of hooker contact info, too? I’ll need to hire a third seventeen year old assistant! This asinine boycott is going to cut into education and medicare funding if we’re not careful. ”

Even allies of the mayor admit the anti-sex trafficking stance may result in inefficiencies. “It used to be one click and back to State business. Now it’s become hours of learning to navigate new sites and getting them set up in my PayPal account. I’ve gotten so busy, I had to stop taking calls from McGinn,” says one mayoral supporter.

backpage.com where you can find anything you want

Backpage.com – So Bad it’s Good

When reached for comment, Seattle Weekly’s Editor-In-Chief Mark Steely said that the Kutcher/McGinn prostitution fighting team was indeed formidable and he longed for the days when all the Mayor could talk about was the tunnel.

Kisses submitted by the esteemed Seattle Salmon accomplices (readers).

Submitted by Rick S.
Gaddafi explaining to his High Council his new strategy of using human shields to protect the presidential compound from NATO bombings… Ooh La La!

Gaddafi explaining to his High Council his new strategy of using human shields to protect the presidential compound from NATO bombings... Ooh La La! --Submitted by Rick Scholz

XXOOXXOO ,

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Jeff Conaway in a coma for last twenty years.

Jeff Conaway in a Coma…”I Know, I Know, it’s Serious”

Jeff Conaway has fallen into a coma after allegedly overdosing on a cocktail of cocaine and painkillers, now dubbed by addicts as “Greased Lightening”. The cast of his life rushed to his side just as soon as they were certain TMZ photographers were in place to document it. Dr Drew Pinsky, his TV addiction specialist, had a chance to examine him and diagnosed the Taxi star with six STD’s and suffering from disease that has taken down so many in young Hollywood: Natural Causes.
Hopeless Case of Drug Induced Natural Causes

Dr. Drew gave the grim news. “I’ve never seen anyone pull out of such an acute case of not really worth saving. I recommend we pull the plug.” A pack of producers immediately fell on him, whispering reminders about the Celebrity Hospice show currently in pre-production at VH1.

A wild eyed John Travolta pushed his way to Conaway’s side. “He doesn’t need all these medical props. This poor man needs spiritual rehabilitation, not more of mood altering drugs! Look at him – he’s got chills! They’re multiplying.”

Just then Tony Danza, Mary Carey and Marilu Henner appeared in the doorway. “We have reserved the body for a candlelight vigil in ten minutes!” Henner announced. “You can stay, but only if you brought some extra paper plates to keep the wax off our hands.” She tossed her head toward Danza, “Dipshit over there forgot them. He’s not the boss of his own jockeyshorts.”

“I thought Oliva Newton John was bringing them.” Danza complained. Marilu responded with disgust, “She thinks he’s just faking the coma to get away from her. Typical Sandra Dee bullshit.” Conaway’s co-dependant girlfriend Vickee stumbled forward with a pack of urine sample cups. “Here, use these. Just do what you can to save the guy who gets me drugs.”

The hospital room phone rang and Dr. Drew picked it up. He quickly pressed it to his shoulder and whispered urgently, “It’s Stockard Channing. She say’s she’s 500 months pregnant with his child and wants the pink slip to his PT Cruiser before we even think about taking him off support.”

A long sustained beep suddenly interrupted his panic. Everyone checked their cell phones and shrugged. “Well, I guess maybe we should leave these tough decisions up to professionals,” conceded Henner. Everyone nodded, “Yes, this is a matter for our agents to work out.”

“I actually am a doctor.” Dr. Drew tried to remind them. But as the crowd spilled from the small hospital room, the doctor to mid alphabet stars knew he’d just reaped a whole new crop of damaged human beings more than happy to humiliate themselves on cable TV. It was what Jeff would have wanted.