Is decriminalization de-awesome-ization?

(U-District) Pot enthusiasts across Puget Sound are having their mellows harshed by an unexpected force, the decriminalization of their drug of choice.

“The vibe is just way different,” says Blaine ‘Snakejaw’ Sutton, an unlicensed marijuana retailer in Beacon Hill. “I’m a dealer, dude. Not a retailer. This is what I’m talking about, the dorkification of weed dealing.”

Sutton is also concerned that the availability of legal cannabis is cutting into his market. He remembers better times. “A few years ago I could always find some dumb kid to buy a super light eight of dirt weed. It doesn’t sound glamorous to you, but burnin’ dudes like that put a lot of frozen burritos on the table for my family. And by family I mean me, my pal Gabe, and my boa constrictor Evan.”

“I’m a dealer, dude. Not a retailer. This is what I’m talking about, the dorkification of weed dealing.”

Darren Seaberg is a sixth-year senior at the University of Washington and Ron Paul supporter. He obtained a prescription for marijuana in late 2010. “My first few years here, it was cool scoring on the Ave. You never knew what you were gonna get and it was even a little dangerous. Getting high felt pretty badass.” But that feeling has eroded. “Now, I go to the dispensary whenever I like and after I smoke I don’t feel awesome. I just feel sleepy. I think it’s hurting my grades.”

Salmon! Action! News! reports live from THE open spot at Southcenter Mall

Retail outlets across the Puget Sound are reporting overflowing cash registers this season, but are the parking lots just as stuffed? The Seattle Salmon received an anonymous tip this afternoon about an available parking spot near Southcenter Mall in Tukwila. We sent our intrepid investigative team down to verify this explosive rumor.

Julia Coho reports live from outside Macy’s

Julia Coho: The parking situation down here at Southcenter Mall is just as grim as we all feared. The buzz about vacant stalls near the Rainforest Café were greatly exaggerated, so far we haven’t sighted a single unclaimed space. However, I do see a couple of spots over there I’m curious about. They’re right in front, but roped off –oh! Someone is pulling in! Sir! Sir, can you tell me? How did you get this spot reserved for you?

Parking Man: Oh, I bought it on eBay. It was like, $75 bucks. I’ve only got it for the next forty-five minutes, so you’ll have to excuse me.

JC: What about the one next to it? Can it be bid on, too?

Parking Man: Nah, that one is a legacy. Microsoft guy owns it. He never comes to the mall, but he pays a anarchist kid who works at Hot Topic to guard it. That little jerk-off thinks he’s Agent Orange and will have you towed before you can blink. Got a Guttermouth on him, too.

What will you do for a parking spot?

JC: Wow! Tensions are really rising around here! Several passers by have expressed wishes that Nordstrom would consider adding a drive through window before the next boot sale. If you ask me this may be what’s causing the problems with our economy, how can we spend our hard earned money in a sad attempt to buy the affections of our relatives and friends if we can’t even get into the mall? I hope Donald Trump brings this up at the debate, I’d like to hear what the next president is going to do about this.

In any case, The Seattle Salmon vows to stay live on the scene until the parking situation improves or turns into a full blown riot.  We are hoping for the latter.   Or until the security guard arrives to take the boot off of our 1996 Isuzu Trooper.

Workers struggle to fit the new Kirkland Signature Four Loko Drums onto the shelves

Even before state liquor stores’ bodies are cold, Costco prepares to sell liquor by the drum

(KIRKLANDIA)  Thanks to Initiative 1183’s passage, Washington’s drinkers will soon be forgetting the current state run, Soviet-themed liquor gulags.  In their place will be new booze spouting grocery stores.   No store is more excited to sell generic gallons of Everclear than Costco.   The local company funded the initiative with $22 million and they intend to make it back by doubling the per capita alcohol consumption in Washington State.

Retail director Susan Bacher explains, “We have an array of products that will provide top shelf liquor to our customers in ginormous sizes at competitive prices.  This is the same market disruption we did with the 30 pound Tide box back in 1983, except this can cause cirrhosis of the liver.”

Bacher walked the Salmon through their secret new product offerings and we are providing an exclusive peak to our readers behind her back:

Six Gallon Bucket of Jaggermeister-$30

“We think this will be a big hit with the college freshmen.

After parties it doubles as toilet cleaner

Internally, its nickname is the ‘Virgin Surgeon’ amongst the staff.  It is a great party starter and can be kept on a McMahon dorm balcony for years before any signs of toxic mold growth.  It can also double as toilet cleaner.”

Half Ton Barrel of Kirkland Signature Four Loko-$99.99 (Photo above)

“Again, Costco shows the world what real value is.  No other product has this much alcohol per ounce at this of low price point except embalming fluid. We believe one of these could have the entire state of New Jersey needing a stomach pump.  Sure you can only move it with a forklift but we have found rave producers are willing to rent one since the barrel’s colors calm people freaking out on Special K.“

No other product has this much alcohol per ounce at this of low price point except embalming fluid.

Kirkland’s Signature Vodka sold by the cubic yard-$9.99/yard

“This is exciting; I believe we have reached the pinnacle in alcoholic beverage sales efficiency!  We don’t even choose the container!  You bring something…anything really, and we will fill it full of vodka.

Its all in the display

We think there is a whole new market for fueling cars, this will be half the price of gasoline and higher octane. Plus, if you need to take the edge off during your commute, safely pull over and shove a straw down your gas cap.”

Daily insulin is now as important as vegetables

Agriculture Secretary Vilsack says, “Do what you want, people.  I don’t give a shit anymore.”

(WA-DC) At a press conference today, the FDA released a collective sigh of defeat as insulin was officially added to the Food Pyramid.

Your new food pyramid, insulin and all

“It is with great sadness that the Food and Drug Administration must acknowledge the grim realities of American nutrition,” said forlorn FDA head Margaret Hamburg. “The average American body now needs at least 2-3 injections of insulin daily to maintain even the lowest levels of health.”

Our new friend

The FDA also took the opportunity to introduce its new mascot, Harry the Hypodermic Needle.

“Sadly, Harry will teach children the importance of injecting themselves with insulin,” Hamburg read from a prepared statement, “Whatever it takes to keep allowing our future generation to pour soda on cereal.”

The FDA initially resisted the change. “We thought we could change people’s habits. Get them on board with healthy diet and exercise,” said Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. “But when 2/3 of your population is overweight, it’s just easier to throw in the towel.”

Added Vilsack, “Do what you want, people. I don’t give a shit anymore.”

Some see opportunity

The private sector is already making changes in response to the announcement.

General Mills is reportedly rolling out a new line of cereals that are made solely from processed sugar and artificial coloring. Additionally, Lucky Charms will ship with a length of surgical tubing and a 50 cc syringe in the box.

“All part of this balanced breakfast,” assures General Mills CEO Mike Gibson.

But perhaps most despondent at the FDA’s announcement was First Lady Michelle Obama, whose mission was to curb childhood obesity. Despite her tireless efforts to promote understanding of healthy diet, the obesity epidemic has only gotten worse during her tenure in the White House.

“This just goes to show you,” Obama confided, “You can lead a kid to water, but you can’t make him drink. Because it’s not Mountain Dew.”

Hertz Rent-a-Car has generously offered to reinstate any workers who agree to abandon their faith.

Hertz sent termination letters to 25 Muslim drivers at Sea-Tac International Airport today after they refused to have their pay docked for fearing Allah’s wrath.

Growing pains for Hertz and Employees

The workers — all Somali Muslims who drive the company’s shuttle vans to and from the airport, would some times exceed their breaks by three to five minutes when deep in the praying zone.  One heathen co-worker reports he was able to smoke a joint AND get a handy from a streetwalker during the allotted ten minute break, and wonders why his fellow employees can’t embrace the Hertz culture and stop wasting company time worrying about eternal damnation.

“I don’t know why they aren’t willing to burn in hell with mountains of agony layered on their bent backs in exchange for a minimum wage job,” said Bill Maroney, Grand Dragon of Hertz Employee Services department. “To me that says they are not team players.”

Tentative Solution

The drivers’ union claims to have negotiated a potential compromise with Hertz that will allow the fired muslim workers to be rehired: Employees may pray on the job without clocking out as long they continue to up-sell their passengers on the luxury vehicle rental upgrades.

Hertz driver, Fawziah Hassan Guleed practiced her prayer/sales patter, “Allah be praised and Allah bless the Cadillac Escalade with the GPS and rear seat DVD entertainment package.”

Hertz is also investigating claims that employees using the restroom, even for #2, without clocking out.

The new Microsoft store in U Village is a retail cathedral

SEATTLE – The new Microsoft store in the University Village Shopping Center truly represents the company’s Gothic products and vision. More shrine than electronics store, Microsoft has stamped their DNA on their retail space by transforming it into a complicated labyrinth of services and products, through which customers are pursued by commission-based sales-Minotaurs.

Viewed from the Apple store across the parking lot, the massive, titling structure is indeed imposing.  It is supported by flying buttresses and earthen retaining walls with a password controlled portcullis. Microsoft Program Manager, Dale Robinson assured shoppers that the new store was built using classic Windows software design principals.

“First, we stole all the materials, then we built the new structure on top of two or three older structures.”

“Lastly,” he added proudly,  “we slapped on a fresh coat of paint and hired Brian Eno to be our in-store pianist,” he boasted at the Friday grand opening.”

Microsoft’s new retail strategy inspired by Tully’s Coffee.

Microsoft VP Stanley North explained that erecting an intimidating structure just a stone’s throw from the Apple flagship store was part of the company’s grand business strategy. “Works every time. We find a really cool company that sells the same kind of products we do, then we build a not-quite-so-good version and market it right beside it. After that, we just let diminishing returns do the heavy lifting. We’re calling it our Tully’s strategy.”

Why U Village?

U Village provides a top choice shopping experience.

Widely considered to be the veal cutlet of retail environments, the U Village combines a luxury shopping experience with the mellowed-out attitude of a day spa.

Microsoft business analyst, Don Robinson says the decision to build the new Microsoft store there was based on a very practical reason, stating, “The U Village is far enough away from Redmond, so that not all of the shoppers have friends and relatives that work at Microsoft and can get them free software and Xbox 360 games.”

The Holy Trinity of rock shuts down Boeing.

Company says that realities of the holy trinity of soft rock playing in the Pacific Northwest, makes jet production for a few days, “Very impossible.”

Renton — The Boeing Company has announced a two day production delay ahead of Friday’s Journey, Foreigner and Night Ranger concert at the Key Arena. Though they stand to lose billions in airplane delivery revenue as both the Everett and Renton production lines grind to a halt, the company hopes Machinists will embrace the gesture of good will with “open arms.”

the seattle salmon is on the end every wednesday, Thursday & friday @ 8:30 am

Boeing factory workers are a hard living, soft rocking crew who the corporate suits hope to woo ahead of contract negotiations. Machinists are well known for their allegiance to acid washed denim and T-shirts cut into the shape of tank tops. During a recent company sponsored personality test many of them self-identified as “Hot Blooded” or, conversely, “Cold as Ice”.

The data is clear, Boeing workers see themselves as rock and roll rebels in need of a night out with their old lady. The company figured they may as well acknowledge the importance of Journey and Foreigner in the lives of their production workers.

“We totally get you,” reads a vinyl banner outside the Renton factory gate.

“We view head banging as an enthusiastic endorsement of Boeing’s commitment to preserving a healthy work-life balance.”

That is not a feature we ordered

But the gesture may not have been as altruistic as it initially seemed. “Basically we lose two days every time a shitty 80’s band comes to town,” said an anonymous factory general, “half a day if it’s a good cover band.  Between tailgating related absences and hang-overs the next day, we may as well save on the electricity.   Even if a few jukebox hero’s make it in, quality suffers.  Frankly, our customers would rather find out up front about a delay rather than discover puddles of vomit in the overhead bins upon delivery.”

Night Ranger: For those whose butt started rockin' a little bit later.

Dave Ellers, a paint shop worker, doesn’t care why they gave him the time off; he just appreciates the token kindness. He had been considering going his separate ways with the airplane manufacturer, but now he’s reconsidered. “Just when I thought they didn’t care, they came through. I don’t know what my union thinks, but this is way better than full dental coverage. I guess that’s the message: don’t stop believing.

Newly redesigned hell by Steve Jobs.

As with the PC world, Jobs revolutionizes another shitty product

HELL – Hell was once known for its fire, its demons, and the kind of chaos that only billions of damned, wailing souls can create.  But then HE came.  No, not Him. But him being Steve Jobs.

Just hours after Mr. Jobs’ arrival in the everlasting fire, Satan’s furnace runs with clean, fierce efficiency.  Lost souls are now categorized in easily navigable catacombs, the whole place sports a clean,  intuitive aesthetic.  Yes, Steve Jobs has given Hell the Apple Treatment.

The Details are in the Devil

Redesigned torture suites

“I would not say I welcomed him with open wings,” said the Devil.  “We have been down here doing the eternal damnation thing for a long time. Could we use a tune up? Sure, but Steve has a way of making you feel stupid when he doesn’t like something.  But even I have to admit this place looks a lot better since he arrived.”

Hell’s new look features well lit “torture suites” full of natural light and large LCD screens announcing the next delivery of souls.  The Devil is even wearing a black turtle neck and jeans, “but not because of Steve,” said the Prince of Lies defensively. “Banana Republic had a sale.”

“Damnation Different”
Operations are also running smoother.  In the past, the Souls Receivable Department used 3×5 cards to track hundreds of millions of souls sold to the Devil. The cards littered the central processing center and Imps scrambled to find the right one.  On particularly bad days, the mess caused some souls to be lost to Heaven.

But no more.  Souls Receivable Manager, Ragnathor Curdlescream says, “We have one Mac Pro keeping all the souls arranged.  Look.  I can just put in a name like ‘Donald Trump’ and BOOM, I can tell you he is arriving here in 314 days – after a cab runs him down on Lexington.  Amazing! Steve is a Devilsend.”

The latest in demon productivity technology

“Putting iPhones on our demons is saving me millions,” gushed Tyranus Firetooth.  “My demons are supposed to be roaming the earth, collecting souls, starting wars, and spreading pestilence.  But when we started tracking them with the iPhones, we found they spent 75% of their time drinking at the Sloop or playing Xbox at their friend’s house.”  Firetooth reports that soul collection is up 72%, peace talks are breaking down in Afghanistan, and syphilis is making a comeback.

What’s Next
With Hell on track to meet Q4 Soul Goals, Steve revealed his exit plans. “This was a contract job from the start, Satan. I’m getting the heaven out of here.”

The Devil lamented, “I could use a guy like Steve full-time. We could have expanded market share.” Satan added, “With a little more time, we could’ve gotten organized enough to launch an attack on the Pearly Gates. Not that we’d win mind you. But we’d hit ‘em hard enough to make God soil that white smock he wears all the time.”

But Jobs refused Lucifer’s bonus. The former Apple chief was reportedly offered his very own Circle of Hell.  With little fanfare, Steve Jobs waved goodbye to the damned and vanished, off to Nirvana.

We have the Amazon tablet!  It was unveiled just today in NYC but the Salmon’s intrepid Wikisquirts! reporters/All Pro Dumpster Divers have found a working model before the rest of the media has any.

There are number of new features, but the REAL news is that Amazon seems to be embracing the fact that the biggest Kindle fans are OLD PEOPLE.  You can’t walk through a retirement home without thinking you are in the Digital Large Print section of the library.  Don’t believe us, check out the new features:

(Click image to enlarge)

The new Amazon Kindle, designed for the greatest generation.

We eagerly await the arrival of Apple's jackbooted thugs...

Cupertino/Seattle-Apple’s control freak ways have failed to stop their secondpre-release iPhone from falling into the media’s hands.

The last time they lost the unreleased iPhone 4, Gizmodo.com rewarded them with a full breakdown of the phone.   Well Apple ALSO just lost an unreleased iPhone 5!  It gets better, instead of Gizmodo getting it….THE SEATTLE SALMON HAS IT!!

The Seattle Salmon main workstation.

We at the Salmon are still working on Commodore 64′s and have no clue how to take one of these apart like Gizmodo’s virginal nerds.  However, our 13 year old nieces, after a $20 bribe, will tell us all the new features.  The iPhone 5 seems, judging from above, to be basically the same as the iPhone 4, but with some features to make Apple fanboys even more annoying. So of course they will sell 10 million in the first week.

Take a look while we barricade our door to slow down Apple’s jackbooted thugs as they lay siege to our office.