SPD introduces new partnership wtih Food Network

Following their groundbreaking use of pepper spray on 84 year-old Dorli Rainey, the Seattle Police Department has vowed to develop even bolder applications for the powerful crowd control irritant.

Taking a cue from their motto, “Comfortable with Controversy,” the SPD held a press conference to discuss the future of pepper spraying Seattle-ites at their new Pepper Spray Test Facility in SODO.

“We’re absolutely thrilled with the public discourse inspired by the spraying of Ms. Rainey,” said SPD spokesman, Greg Dunning. “And we’ve learned a valuable lesson: if attacking an old lady with a weapons-grade pepper spray was so effective, we need to expand this activity to other beloved American institutions.”

When asked for details, Dunning responded, “For starters, we’ll be spraying puppies, cute little birds, and children at play. When we’ve really honed our skills, we’ll move on to using the capiscum spray on concepts like young love and that nice feeling you get around Christmas time.”

Whether spicing up the bland ideals of protesters or subduing a sleeping homeless man, you’re going to be seeing and smelling a lot more pepper spray this winter.  – SPD Spokesman, Greg Dunning

“And we’re just getting started,” continued Dunning. “The Rainey incident was also the rollout of an exciting partnership with the Food Network. We call it ‘Kick It Up a Notch, SPD!’”

Dunning continued, “Whether spicing up the bland ideals of protesters downtown, or subduing a sleeping homeless man on the street, you’re going to be seeing and smelling a whole lot more pepper spray this winter. Enjoy!”

Mayor McGinn approved the partnership with the Food Network to bring much-needed cash into the city’s coffers. “It’s a good match,” said the Mayor. “The city needs the money and the police… those guys clearly love their pepper spray.”

Dunning discussed the motivation behind Kick It Up a Notch, SPD! “I think we’ve made it pretty darn clear that being harmless doesn’t exclude someone from having a violent encounter with the Seattle Police. With this program, we’re giving the people of Seattle some one-on-one interaction with a service they’ve already paid for with their tax dollars. At the same time, Seattle-ites demand natural solutions. That’s why all of our new blends of gourmet sprays will be made from organically grown peppers. It’s about sustainability.”

As human feet continue to wash ashore near Vancouver, BC, The Seattle Salmon’s Lori Cleveland interviewed North America’s least understood mass murderer in an attempt to understand the phenomena.

Lori Cleveland: You said in your email that you’re disappointed to have evaded capture for so long.

Foot Chopping Killer: That’s right, Lori. Oh my goodness, you have such sturdy ankles!

LC: Uh, thanks.

FCK: One of the criticisms I hear against Canadians is that we don’t reward bold action. I don’t want to believe that. I love my country. But here I am, exorcising the demons of my hellish seaside childhood in a really fascinating way and where’s my recognition?

LC: What did you have in mind?

FCK: Oh, I don’t know. Why doesn’t some hotshot criminal profiler from Toronto come out here and delve into the labrynth of my warped psyche while he tests his own grip on sanity? I really didn’t think I was being too subtle with this crime wave, eh. And yet my countrymen are treating these gruesome murders a curious weather pattern.

LC: Well there are some indications that these are random events.

FCK:  I’m telling you, friend. I’m killing people and dumping their severed feet in the Pacific. Scout’s honor! I’d really like one of those cool serial killer nicknames. I could be the Foot Fetish Felon… no.  Ankle Sam? Not Canadian enough…

“I’m taking mass murder to a new level, but I get zero respect, eh.”

LC: Is there anything you’d like to say to the people of Vancouver?

FCK: Oh, that’s a nice question. I would like to say… I know I’ve ruined some of my fellow Vancouverite’s  early morning walks on the beach. I sure am sorry for that.

But if your evil parents had tied your ankle to a piece of driftwood when you were six, and laughed like loons while the tide came in and nearly killed you… Well, maybe you might want to meet people online, snuff out their lives in your basement dungeon and toss their sinful feet into the the cleansing waters of the Pacific Ocean. It might just seem like the most natural thing in the world.

Canucks rule!

Our city's savior from semi crime

(King County Jail) Seattle’s self declared Superhero Phoenix Jones was dealt a crushing blow in what he claimed was an elaborate trap set for him by his arch nemesis, Angry Drunk Girl.  Jones said that his enemy gained the upper hand ONLY after exploiting his sole weakness, a Prada purse to the head.

According to Jones, Angry Drunk Girl is the leader of the Admiral Junction of Evil, a West Seattle based villain squad hell bent on destroying Normal Seattle by going out and committing acts of “public roughhousing” after a night of drinking.  Following her attack, Jones was shocked to then be arrested by Seattle Police, the completion her evil plan.

Phoenix Jones Stops Assault from Ryan McNamee on Vimeo.

Green Krypotnite to Phoenix Jones

The Battle in Seattle

Watch the video, Phoenix is attempting to break up a scuffle following a night of drinking when out of nowhere, Angry Drunk Girl attacks.  Thrown off by her exploiting his secret weakness, the Prada  purse attack, Jones is chased all over the block after getting off only a few pepper sprays on evildoers/people out having a good time.

“Usually, I can stop villains with a couple of squirts.  Last week I dropped a herd of jaywalkers with one shot, except for this one guy, but I think he was belted to his wheelchair.”

Hard time for costumed crime

Later, after a tremendous beating by Angry Drunk Girl, Jones was picked up by Seattle police for his public use of pepper spray.  “That was when I knew this is a brilliant, evil plan by Angry Drunk Girl.  After my mom posts bail and my Tuesday shift at Wallgreens, I will be back on the street to crush her and her minions,” he said from King County Jail.  “I am sure they are all out tonight doing all sorts of horseplay, but tomorrow <long dramatic pause> Phoenix Jones is BACK!”

After the incident, the Seattle Salmon caught up with Angry Drunk Girl in her secret lair at her parents’ house in Alki.  “Right, he’s a hero and I’m a comic book stuper villain. Yeah.  Um, look, I gotta go help this guy I brought home, he has pepper spray in his left eye and I am the ‘doctor’.”

STAY TUNED SEATTLE FOR THE NEXT EPISODE OF PHOENIX JONES!!!!!

Residents of Sisters, Oregon were stunned this week to hear that deceased neighbor L.D. Cooper may have been fugitive hijacker D.B. Cooper. However, soon many in town were commenting on clues to his real identity they had missed over the years.

Co-worker Annie Slater remembers a few of his eccentric habits, “He never used to park his car, he’d just throw it in neutral and jump out the hatchback. We just thought he was a dumb ass, but then again,  only a dumb ass would use a name almost exactly like his own to commit a robbery and hijacking.  OH..and he ALWAYS wore clip on neckties!”

L.D, can you just use the door for once?

Exotic dancers at local strip club “the Log Jam” remembered L.D. fondly. “He used to just make it rain with these ripped, worn twenty dollar bills,” said one aging cocktail waitress. “I was one of his favorite girls. He would pass me a note that would say something cute like, “I got a bomb and it’s about to explode and only a lapdance can defuse it.”  She also added, “Lots of girls didn’t like him, he was obsessed with the aft stairs, if you know what I mean.”

L.B. Coopers niece Marla, the one who contacted authorities after collecting clues that pointed to her uncle’s notorious past, had this to say, “There were a lot of little tells, but the one I recently remembered (in exchange for a bonus from my book publisher) was the when he announced before Christmas dinner that he didn’t hijack an airplane, strap 200k to himself and jump into the wilderness with virtually no likelihood of survival just to have my mom’s shitty stove top stuffing and instant potatoes.”

Tacoma torture room style points

Where eco-friendly design meets “It rubs the lotion on its skin”

An excerpt of The Seattle Salmon Architectural Supplement

Salmon Style Editor, Anton Biaggi

by Salmon Style Editor Anton Biaggi

In a rustic meadow on the outskirts of Tacoma, a stunning architectural achievement has attracted style mavens and law enforcement officials, alike. This unusual pairing is brought together by master multitasker John Joseph Hauff Jr., an architectural autodidact and alleged kidnapper and torturer.

The underground chamber stuns visitors with its singularity of purpose, attention to detail, and impressive dankness. Indeed, the moisture that oozes from the walls and permeates the accoutrements is nothing less than an eco-friendly water feature.

While Mr. Hauff was unable to show off his creation due to a busy schedule in nearby King County, Detective Alan DuBois of the Tacoma Police Department treated me to a tour. I was instructed to touch nothing due to the curious legal status of the property, but I can assure readers that the remaining four senses were thoroughly exercised.

My guide indelicately noted, “It smells like a fucking shitcan in here.” And he was not incorrect. One wonders if the aromatherapeutic element of the design is not being overplayed a tad.

Upon entering the Hauffhole, as it has been dubbed, one is stricken by the extensive use of reclaimed materials.  A hog-wire fence springs from the floor and enmeshes with the rafters to enclose a well-used kiddie pool.  A pile of damp, vintage sci-fi paperbacks and “blue” periodicals provides whimsical counterpoint to the no-nonsense industrial pegboard that supports a collection of restraints. The undulating glow of static from a 1980s-era television provides the only lighting in the enclosure. Detective DuBois remarked: “Did you ever walk into a place and know with certainty that the human race was wicked?”

The dwelling’s metal doors appear to have been salvaged from a Dumpster and when they slammed shut behind us, every sphincter in my body tensed – no doubt thrilled to be experiencing the work of an architectural savant firsthand.

I asked Detective DuBois to describe his own interaction with the space.  He mused, “Ever since the night we found this godforsaken hole, I’ve had horrible nightmares.  My screaming wakes up the kids.”

I, too, will be revisiting this masterpiece in my dreams.

The low ceilings, lack of corners and incredibly thick walls inspire a genuine air of panic and claustrophobia. The crazy quilt of remnant linoleum floor pieces slopes toward a large drain.

“We ran a robot camera down that drain,” said a haunted-looking Detective DuBois, “and I can’t in good conscience tell you what it found. I can tell you this: that robot was completely traumatized and has been restricted to desk duty ever since.”

Truly, the work of a master!

Crime Watch blogger, John Walters Sr.

I’ve been asked to write this because my damn fool of a son has got himself in some sort of trouble again and he won’t get paid unless this electronic fishpaper gets some story about this Phoenix Jones. I heard about this idea and not to get to far into it I think someone putting on some kind of mask and dispensing justice is actually part of what made this country great. If you catch my meaning.

However, you got yourselves a big problem. I’m a keen observer, and if you watch his hands real close you’ll figure it out: Phoenix Jones is up to something. He’s got black man hands!

Now, there’s a possibility that he’s doing that as part of his disguise, but then I found out that his suit is taser-proof. That tears it.

Am I the only one who sees what’s going on? Who’s funding that suit? I’ll tell you who: Bill Gates and his father! They’re building a lefty army to take over our city. First they tried to take our hard-earned money and now they’re making taser-proof black man suits. Seriously, all they need now is a bulletproof Mexican suit and we’ll all be salsa dancing in church.

I think that’s pretty much it. That should be worth a couple of packs of cigaretts at least.

Introducing our blogger of the week and police blotter blogger, Johnny "Chiclets" Walters.

Editor’s Note: This blog post is particularly full of colorful post-modern expletives. Readers are advised not to read this at work and to only read at home with a full bottle of Purell® on standby.

A general call out for people in my home town which I still am not at liberty to divulge because too many members of my “family” are afraid I’m going to take a sh*t in their punch bowl: If you got some tools missing I’d suggest you look up that sorry piece of sh*t goes by the name of Anders. First of all, what the f*ck kind of name is “Anders,” Dad? “Please Punch Me in the Face for Being a Home-Schooled Dickhead” not fit on the “I’m a Piece of Sh*t” license? And second, WHY THE HELL ISN’T HE IN JAIL?

He keeps trying to come in here and see me, and the last thing I need is for the other guys in here to catch wind of Anders and his, “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” routine. Yeah, I know what the fuck “Annie Get Your Gun” is. I’m Robert Goulet in this equation. He’s Doris Day. More like, Doris I Need Someone to Beat the Saggy Pants Off My White Ass. Mom keeps bitching that he’s filling up his closet with stolen car stereos like it’s MY fault he’s a sh*thead? Plus, he keeps, “finding” money on the street. Bullsh*t, more like he found it shoved up his asshole on Sunday after blacking out on Saturday. The kid is just no good, and he’s bound to get smacked.

I know some of you are like, “Chichlets, why you gotta keep telling us about your brother? Can’t you do some other crime watch sh*t?”

You know what qualified for crime watch this week? True f*cking story: Some lady in Covington got woken up by her smoke alarm. THAT’S THE F*CKING NEWS.

So excuse me if I think my kid brother’s downward spiral may be a bit more interesting. If he steals one more zoo bird I’m going to sh*t in a cup during my next parole hearing so I’ll be here personally to kick his ass.

Got a crime tip or question? Put it in the comments section. I’ll answer the f*ck out of you.

Introducing our blogger of the week and police blotter blogger, Johnny "Chiclets" Walters.

Editor’s note: The Seattle Salmon editorial staff asks that you excuse this week’s blogger of the week’s foul language and race baiting.  In order for Chiclets to retain his “cred” on the inside, not to mention his secretarial position within the Monroe State Prison chapter of the Aryan nation, he must be allowed to posture, taunt and ridicule law enforcement, minorities and society in general. If the Seattle Salmon were to censor his blogging in any way, he would be summarily shivved or demoted to fanny boy. If you can see passed his bravado, you will find Mr. Walters to be a hard-nosed crime beat blogger who can give unique insights into the deviant actions in our community.

So, my buddies tell me everyone’s talking about some guy who bit a cop at Pike Place market on Monday. Really?

Look, I’ve bitten plenty of cops in my day, but do you see me making a big how-do-you-do about it? No. It’s because I’ve always done something that overshadows the bite.

“Man urinates on prize-winning labradoodle” or “Man sexually assaults Burgar King cash register” reads a whole lot better than, “Man bites police officer.”

Hell, back in the early 90s if I didn’t get a bite in on a cop as he was throwing me into the back of his squad car, he’d ask me if I was sick. You’d get a little extra stick time, sure, but I think they ended up respecting a man who ain’t shy about taking a chance.

The exception was a couple of superstitious deputies back in my old hometown, which I can’t name on account of my sister’s married to some big-shot real estate agent down there. I promised to quit calling out the name of the place because I love her and our dad’s an alderman. Anyhow, these deputies thought if you got bit by a Mexican you could end up losing your citizenship or turn into a Mexican or some ignorant bullshit like that so you’d have to carry your birth certificate in your back pocket to prove you was white if you ended up biting one of ‘em.

I digress.

The other thing they’re saying like it’s a big deal is that the guy was on the roof of the Market Heritage Center “museum” like he’s goddamn Batman or something. Folks, the Market Heritage Center is like one story and there’s a fucking stairwell right above the roof. Hell, I’ve fallen onto the roof of the Market Heritage Center while k-hole jogging and woken up with nothin’ but a tiny bruise on my face. The craziest thing is that some newspapers or web papers or whatever are trying to make this into part of some great big payback conspiracy against the SPD because they shot some guy. I’ve bitten cops, peed on ‘em, jacked off into their gas tanks, bled all over their sandwiches, and stuck things in their horses while they weren’t looking but none of it was a vendetta as much as it was PCP and a bad day.

Cops get bit. EMTs get bit. Firefighters get bit. It’s part of the game.

What else? He knocked off the cop’s glasses and tried to choke him out. Again, not even worth a mention. I’ve put glasses on cops just so I could knock ‘em off.

I’ll be impressed when a cop bites some guy back and they get into some sort of ouroboros action. Until then, save this shit for amateur hour.

-J Walt † † †

Editor’s note: For your safety please understand that Mr. Walters is a convicted criminal and that if he responds to you in a comment or direct email, you should under no circumstance comply with his request for you to bring him needlepoint accessories, paranoid press literature, photos of other people’s families, a copy of Midnight Express or “snack balloons.”

Introducing our blogger of the week and police blotter blogger, Johnny "Chiclets" Walters.

Johnny “Chiclets” Walters is currently serving consecutive sentences for armed robbery, arson, indecent exposure, public lewdness, inciting a riot, and impersonating a police officer after what he describes as an “extremely disappointing customer service experience” at the White Center Dairy Queen.

Am I missing something here, or was all hell not supposed to break loose when they let that cop go for killing that Indian guy? My sources tell me there was a “carve-in” to protest the decision and it was PEACEFUL. Is it too much to ask for an ill-advised rialto squad to show up at that thing? I tell you what, if me and my buddies got together with a shitload of knives after one of ours got shot by a cop we wouldn’t be making totem poles.

There were two house fires which some would argue are pretty cool, but I’m telling you right now those are definitely a “guess you had to be there” kind of thing AND I WASN”T. Somebody once burnt down my grandpa’s place of business but that was because they took exception to his “Welcome to our elry store. Notice there is no ‘Jew’ in it. Please keep it that way!” sign. I didn’t have a damn thing to do with it.

I’ll give you more information as the week develops. I keep thinking I’m forgetting about something. You might ask me if the skull found on Mercer Island doesn’t hold some interest for me and I would ask you to keep your goddamn mouth shut.