Starbucks Creates Largest Size Yet, “Jabba”


An alternate Starbucks logo featuring a rotund Siren.

An alternate Starbucks logo featuring a rotund Siren.

Recently introduced 31-ounce size “Trenta”, not large enough for many customers

Not Seattle-In a Kent parking lot, between Walmart and Costco, Starbucks introduced its latest drink size, the 96 ounce Jabba, to a crowd of “off-duty” employees and assorted shopper.

Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz took the stage next to a large object covered by a giant blue tarp.  “You told us you wanted more sugar, more cream, more caffeine, and more petrochemical-derived flavor components… and we listened!  If the Trenta didn’t float your boat…. I promise that the new Jabba will literally float your boat!”  With that, he and a small team of laborers pulled off the massive tarp to reveal what looked to be a clear plastic bucket with the Starbucks emblem emblazoned on the front.

Wall Street analysts were impressed.  “I am moving their profit projections up 15 cents per share.  Starbucks is going to charge an average price of $11 for each Jabba.  It’s a license to print money.”  In an ancillary step, he also increased the rating of insulin manufacturer Septed and heart stent maker Plyovax from a “Buy,” to a “Super Buy.”

King County Public Health staff had strong concerns about this move by the local company.  Director Charles Jackson, MD said, “Really? 96 ounces?  Good Lord.  On average, the human digestive system can process 94 ounces of fluid.  You would absolutely be peeing the first sip before you’re finished.  Drinkers of this beverage are also exposing themselves to dangers associated with tidal activity in their bladders.”

It does not stop there.  Seattle Salmon science reporters found that a Jabba Macchiato contains 6,042 calories, enough to power every home and business in Ballard for 45 minutes.  Also, each drink contains enough caffeine to halt natural blinking and sleep patterns in an entire class of UW Medical School interns for two weeks.

One attendee of the rally was undeterred by the warnings.  28 year old Green River Community College dropout Jayson Cook said, “When you are playing ‘Red Dead Redemption’ for 56 straight hours on the [Xbox] 360, you need the right fuel.  Plus the caffeine gets my ears ringing so hard I can almost block out my parents’ nagging.”

Schultz finished the rally with hints of further things to come.  “We’ll continue to push the envelopes of serving size, flavor and good taste in the name of customer satisfaction.  We are currently researching even larger cups, cups so large they will be fitted with wheels.  That project is currently codenamed ‘Starbucket.’”

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Posted by on 9:26am, Mon, Jan 24 2011. Filed under Business, Featured Stories. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

1 Comment for “Starbucks Creates Largest Size Yet, “Jabba””

  1. [...] Seattle Salmon published an article regarding Starbucks’ 96 ounce Jabba sized coffee drink. Now it appears they’re throwing caution to the wind and doubling down on [...]

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