Susan G. Komen Takes Lumps Over Planned Parenthood De-Fund
Susan G. Komen for the Cure has halted funding previously granted to rival woman’s health advocacy group Planned Parenthood. Komen says they are concerned with the shoddy bookkeeping that has Planned Parenthood under investigation by Congress, but the 19 Planned Parenthood affiliates no longer receiving Komen cash for breast cancer screenings say Komen is the one engaging in back-alley pandering to pro-life political groups.
Race for the Coat Hanger
At first glance, the two organizations seem to have a lot in common. Both are women’s advocacy groups which encourage women to frequently touch themselves in the shower. However many claim that the breast cancer charity has long been jealous of Planned Parenthood’s special relationship with the younger, more sexually active crowd. As the Susan G. Komen For the Cure foundation built an army of frumpier, more conservative boosters, they began to see that affiliation with the liberal vagina care-giant as a possible impediment to their successful cause-marketing campaigns. After all, no one wants to think about an aborted baby when they are enjoying their strawberry cheesecake Yoplait Parfait. Even though it kind of looks the same.
After gaining a new CEO receptive to right wing wooing, Komen took swift steps to cut Planned Parenthood out of their fold like a tumor detected early, apparently unconcerned with the thousands of low-income breast cancer cases that would go undetected as a result.
Komen is not concerned with the possible bad PR a Planned Parenthood organized protest would engender. “They probably won’t come. They are always making grand plans and then aborting them over there.”
Susan G. COME’ON!
A bitter feud is brewing that may force American woman to declare allegiance to either team boob or team vag. Komen spokes-survivor Sharon G. Ehlers thinks the choice is obvious. “Do you want to support the noble, pro-life breast? Or do you want to get in bed with a trashy, no-class pocket protector like Planned Parenthood? And if you declare allegiance to ladyparts, you will have to return any thing you own with the pink ribbon insignia on it. T-shirts, tote bags, bumper stickers, coffee cozies, all of it.”
Laura Soloman, who credits Planned Parenthood with giving her the education she needed to determine that her boyfriend was not continually getting crabs after hanging out at the beach, says that she and other Planned Parenthood devotees are making plans to protest outside Komen clinics later in the month. “Luckily for us, our low income clientele have plenty of open time on their schedule they can fill with angry protests. It’s just too bad that the pro-life crowd have all the crazies on their side. We could use a few disgruntled snipers right about now.”
Sharon G. Ehlers is not concerned with the possible bad PR the protest would engender. “They probably won’t come. They are always making grand plans and then aborting them over there.”
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