Shower Gel: New Designer Drug Lathers Up Belltown Clubs
Editor’s note: In light of the recent deaths from bath salt abuse, we have decided to republish this goofy article about a serious problem. Originally published February 10, 2011.
A powerful new methamphetamine-based designer drug cut with antibacterial agents dubbed “Shower Gel” has become the slippery staple of Belltown nightlife. “I have an amazing time with it” says 26 year-old bartender Kilgore Merryweather. “I worked my bar shift, cleaned the place from top to bottom, hit an after party, and delivered three young ladies home in shopping carts before dawn. That’s a good nights’ work.”
Marketed as the healthy alternative to last week’s designer drug of choice “Bath Salts”, Shower Gel is said to combine the excitement of meth and cocaine with the healing properties of Aloe Vera and Pro-Vitamin B5, leaving the user feeling squeaky clean.
“My skin totally cleared up and I slept until after my mom had left for work,” enthuses Merryweather.
Shower Gel is also known on the street as Colostomy Bag, Devil’s Enema, and Tikka Masala. It is said to cause hilarious hallucinations, gender confusion, suicidal voices which transition from a whisper to a scream, intense cravings for affection from strangers, and tediously frequent use of word “douchebag.”
Merryweather reports experiencing none of the above. “I’m surprised, frankly,” he said, stroking his carefully contoured chinstrap beard. “I thought it was pretty mellow. Beginner stuff. Like the first psychotic break I had at summer camp. Just… fun.” He adds that the drug is not illegal and can be procured for as little as $10 a bindle. Shower Gel can be smoked, snorted, injected or massaged directly into the skin.
Efforts to make the drug illegal are underway but first it must be classified for human consumption. Currently it is officially marketed as a livestock exfoliation product. Once it is re-categorized, two measures are expected to show up on the ballot for public vote; one that would ban the sale in Washington State, and another that would allow sales only at state liquor stores.
Jillian Mort, Catch of the Day — As a wife and a mother, Jillian considers writing her most important responsibility. She enjoys letting her three children go feral as she reads and scoffs at the work of more successful authors. Blaming her inequities on the over bright stars of others takes up about 60% of her waking hours; providing clean-ish sleep mats and flea collars for her four kids comprising another 20%, and the last 20% divided evenly between electrolysis and writing angry letters to American Idol producers.
Once her five children are school age, Jillian dreams of writing a script for an all claymation television series based on the adventures of Anne of Green Gables. She has but one mantra in life which she repeats to any young mother she encounters. “For God’s Sake – DO NOT GET THEM WET OR FEED THEM AFTER MIDNIGHT. Six kids are just too many.”
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