Mercer Mess Construction turns to violent “Carmageddon”

We all knew, and hoped, this was coming...

(Amazonia) On Monday, the city of Seattle started a massive, congestion spewing, construction project on the already fucked Mercer Ave between Seattle Center and I-5.  Within hours of the lane closures, not a single car had moved and humanity’s fragile bonds soon snapped.  In the midst of “Carpocolypse 2012,” spawned a new world of violent street gangs looking for blood… and to move their car a few inches forward.

As will all societies, the fall begins with an impatient douchebag honking.  About an hour into the construction, a self declared “trust fund day trader” in his ancient 3 Series honked at a dump truck in front of him. A fistfight soon followed with other frustrated drives joining because it was better than one more second of Dori Monson and Steve Scher babbling out their radio.

As will all societies, the fall begins with an impatient douchebag honking.

It takes a violent village

Local barista Dana Gossett saw the start.  “At first it was just a mass of pasty, flailing arms.  But after ten minutes, the corners of the scrum started to organize.  Soon you saw Amazoners, NBBJ architects, Biotech workers, and old time residents forming into gangs.”

Former Amazon buyer, now an asphalt assaulter


The NBBJ forces all wore black turtlenecks and made these wildly ornate, but fairly useless weapons, while the Amazon developers put their pent up energy from years of sexual frustration into near Star Wars level technology.  “I think I saw a light saber of some sort decapitate a pipette cleaner from SBRI,” said Gossett.

But the toughest were the older residents who miss the quaint, shitty nature of the South Lake Union neighborhood once known as Cascade.  Apparently preparing for this moment since the changing of the neighborhood began a decade ago, they all ran home to don their pre made armor and weapons straight out of the “Road Warrior.”

“Chainsaw, crossbows, mohawks…the residents just kept coming.  They cut through the nerds and architects…well I guess they are nerds too…like a knife.  It was going to be a massacre until He came.’

If we survive this, we are the first gay couple getting married in Seattle.


A lone man in a black leather jacket and pants walked right up to the fight with a poodle mix dog at this side.  He proceeded to tear everyone off each other and jam them back into their respective Subarus.  It was not easy or quick, or without even more tears, but after a few hours peace had returned to traffic jam.

He also told the construction crews that they need to open up at least one lane which allowed the former gang members to head up Group Health to get stitched up.

No one knows where He came from, but Gossett said, “I think he a bouncer at The Eagle.”

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Posted by on 8:51am, Thu, Feb 2 2012. Filed under Breaking News. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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