Meet Mewt Romnich!
Genetic monstrosity to shake up 2012 campaign
As this week’s bitter primary reminded America just how horrible Florida can be, the Republican Party unveiled a plan to restore unity to their divided ranks. Meet Mewt Romnich, a genetically-modified super candidate that combines Mitt Romney’s tone deaf, rich guy rhetoric, and thick black hair with the giant puffy head and pedantic demagoguery of Newt Gingrich.
RNC chairman Reince Priebus explained the genesis of Mewt Romnich: “Our strategy is to create such a toxic political environment that NOBODY votes. Well, nobody except for a few old folks who don’t watch the news and vote Republican out of knee-jerk habit.” Alienating the public is a priority for the GOP this year. “Neither Mitt or Newt can go toe to toe against Obama on their own,” said Priebus. “But when you combine the two, you’ve got a perfect de-motivational tool for the voting public. And that plays right into our plan.”
Mewt Romnich will make its first public appearance this Wednesday in Las Vegas for the Nevada caucuses where the combination of plastic surgery, fairy tale economics, and broken dreams will make Mewt feel right at home.
Priebus remembers the moment that Mewt Romnich became a priority. “Did you see that video of Obama singing Al Green? Total charisma, right? We need to take that whole whole ‘human element’ out of this race. That’s why we made Mewt’s eyes glow like the Terminator’s. Yeah, that was on purpose.”
The plan was hatched during a meeting of the Super Secret Evil Executive Republican Cabal at their mountain lair. In a sharp break from their public anti-stem cell policies, Mewt Romnich was created using one of Mitt Romney’s hair cells and a DNA sample from Gingrich’s jowls.
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