Man Seen Feeding Pigeons Next to Hungry Human
Pigeon flying off with its morning loot.
Seattle, Wash.–Every morning at 6:30 a.m., Belltown resident Earl Hammershaal buys a loaf of bread, crumbles it into small pieces and throws it on the ground for local pigeons. Hammershaal, 74, has conducted this feeding ritual, weather permitting, every day without fail since his wife died in 1998. “I just loves me those little birds,” says Hammershaal. “It’s sweet,” says neighbor, Abby Wartsom. “It just so great that he’s like found a purpose in life.”
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An area homeless man sees things differently. Known locally as “Sgt. Batshit”, he sleeps in the Chase bank parking lot where Hammershaal feed the pigeons. “It’s fucking bullshit, man. That old fuck buys bread every fucking day and gives it to fucking pigeons?! Rats with wings; that’s what pigeons are! What about me? I’m fucking hungry and fought in a fucking war! Where’s my fucking bread?” “Fuck me runnin’!” he went on to say.
Pigeons awaiting an ample breakfast in Belltown.
When asked for his opinion on Angry Vet’s position, Hammershaal said, “Tell that hippie bum to get a gosh-darned job. And a haircut! What’s he thinking? Pigeons can’t get no jobs. Who ever heard of a pigeon with a ding-dang job? That’s just hippie drug-smoking nonesense.” Hammershaal also questioned a pigeons ability to purchase a loaf bread, supposing it could navigate the hazards of a modern grocery store and had access to human currency.
A spokespigeon named, “Shits-on-Children,” was unavailable for comment.
Comedian Douglas Gale
About the author: Doug Gale
Douglas Gale started writing for The Seattle Salmon in 2011, and quickly became one of our newest contributors. When not scrawling articles on the backs of bar napkins, he co-hosts a podcast called Delicious Mediocrity.
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Posted by admin on 9:14am, Fri, Sep 2 2011. Filed under Breaking News, Fresh Fish.
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Great piece and am looking forward to more!
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN! Or at least one of them. That’s a start.
A PERSON HAS SPOKEN!
As a victim of pigeon hate crimes, i find this article offensive. That pigeons should be thought of as “special” or “privileged” because they are another species is ludicrous. We have asshole, they have “vents” – they are not different than us. I find it sad that these pigeons should be given a free ride, or free food, or whatever. If Angry Vets start shitting on the heads of pedestrians, will douche-nozzles like Mr. Hammershaal start feeding them? I can’t believe what this country has come to.