2012: The Year of the Fucking DRAGON
Dragon is at the top of the Zodiac Peking Order
For over a decade billions of Asians have been going through the motions, celebrating Chinese New Year as if it meant something. They have put on a brave front, drumming up token enthusiasm for Year of the Sheep and Year of the Ox. But everyone understands that there is one sign in the Chinese Zodiac that reigns supreme, and that is the motherfucking Dragon. Revelers are ready to burn the fucking sky down to celebrate 2012’s return of this legendary sign.
2000 was the last Year of the Dragon – remember how awesome it was? Pre-911 and post-Playstation 2?
Thank you Chinese manufacturing. Thank you.
Dragons try to be humble when they are talking to other Zodiac characters. “Oh, you’re a rat? That’s cool,” a dragon might say. But then the direct and arrogant dragon would have to add, “Well, I’m a fucking dragon. I breathe fucking fire. Don’t get me wrong! The world needs someone to eat garbage and spread the plague, too. But don’t lose sight of reality. One of us here is a fucking dragon.”
Despite improbable aerodynamics, dragons can also fucking fly. 2011’s rabbit spent all year hiding in tall grass, whereas the dragon will fly to your side and do whatever it takes to make you forget your grudges and love your fucking family – including burning down villages and keeping attractive hostages until we turn our miserable human lives around!
Dragon Promises to “Make it Reign” in 2012
It’s been twelve years since the world has been allowed to enter the house of the dragon. This mighty predator with magical weaponry is here to usher in a year that will bring unimaginable wealth and health to everyone in the world! Finally! 2000 was the last Year of the Dragon – remember how awesome it was? Pre-911 and post-Playstation 2? That prosperity will be yours again if you bought enough fireworks and lanterns to show the noble, winged serpent that you really believe!
Mushu Approves This Message
If you want to celebrate the drake this evening but can’t make it down to the International District for the Lantern Festival, try making a paper-mache Chinese dragon costume that you can your family use to practice undulating dances! Or stuff tiny red envelopes full of cash and give them to your financial planner! In our own deeply personal ways, we should all be freaking out about the return of the fucking DRAGON, baby.
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Posted by jill on 10:14am, Tue, Jan 24 2012. Filed under Breaking News, Culture, Featured Stories.
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