Olympia, Wash. — After the stinging decision to cut an additional two billion dollars from the budget last week, Governor Christine Gregoire’s next difficult decision is to choose which costume she’ll wear for Halloween this year. After deliberating with staff and friends, the Governor decided to go with a classic costume and a source of [...]
Despite Amazing Toilet Wine Recipe, Amanda Fails to Lure Roomie Sources close to the Knox family revealed acquitted murder suspect Amanda Knox is struggling to find housing back in the US. After exhausting personal contacts, online ads, and fetish boards, Knox has been rejected by all possible roommates. “Amanda was really sweet in person,” reported [...]
Hertz Rent-a-Car has generously offered to reinstate any workers who agree to abandon their faith. Hertz sent termination letters to 25 Muslim drivers at Sea-Tac International Airport today after they refused to have their pay docked for fearing Allah’s wrath. The workers — all Somali Muslims who drive the company’s shuttle vans to and from [...]
SEATTLE – The new Microsoft store in the University Village Shopping Center truly represents the company’s Gothic products and vision. More shrine than electronics store, Microsoft has stamped their DNA on their retail space by transforming it into a complicated labyrinth of services and products, through which customers are pursued by commission-based sales-Minotaurs. Viewed from [...]
Seattle, Wash. — As the work begins to replace the Alaskan Way Viaduct, the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) announced that they will use demolition techniques learned from playing countless hours of the video game Angry Birds. Civil engineer Michael Bastion explained how the viaduct deconstruction would proceed, “We’re going to start with [...]
Cookie Monster Hungry for End to Laissez-Faire Capitalism This week thousands of demonstrators wandered the streets of New York City, trying to find out how to get to Sesame Street. They are Occupy Sesame Street protesters who have been invited by the disenfranchised 99% of Muppets, who are frustrated by the inequality and blatant power [...]
Not even a pimped out chrome walker could keep the aging goalee from retiring Century Link Field– Last Saturday, 64,000 screaming Sounders fans attended the retirement party at CenturyLink Field for Seattle’s 40-something goalkeeper, Kasey Keller. Sounders General Manager, Adrian Hanauer said he’d tried everything, short of Werther’s Original Candies, to get Keller to stay with [...]
Originally published August 24, 2011 Deposed dictator pins hopes on Project Runway The wily, sartorially adventurous former dictator of Libya has surfaced. Quaddafi was not spotted digging out of the rubble from his compound in Tripoli, but in a New York highrise. But he’s not in the Big Apple to avenge the loss of his [...]
Company says that realities of the holy trinity of soft rock playing in the Pacific Northwest, makes jet production for a few days, “Very impossible.” Renton — The Boeing Company has announced a two day production delay ahead of Friday’s Journey, Foreigner and Night Ranger concert at the Key Arena. Though they stand to lose billions [...]
Abortion bans aren’t the only changes in store as Providence’s Catholic leadership lays down God’s laws on Swedish (Pill Hill) Swedish and Providence Medical Centers announced last week a merger that will force Swedish to stop performing abortions due to Providence’s Catholic, and “totally square” leadership. In its place will be the medieval birth control [...]
